Welcoming Eloise Charlotte - 30/7/2014

This is the story of how we came to meet our third baby, Eloise.

Hubby and I had always known we had wanted at least three children, and even though life was wonderful with our two gorgeous kidlets, someone was missing.

Hubby and I hadn't started officially trying to conceive a baby, but we we stopped actively preventing, with the intention to start TTC in 2014. However, while I was visiting my friend Mel in QLD with the kidlets (hubby had stayed at home), I started suspecting that I may be pregnant. I mentioned my suspicions to Mel on the drive to the airport before flying home. She was very excited, and convinced me to do a test at the airport. We rushed around finding a pharmacy, then went to the toilets so I could do the test while she watched my kidlets. Sure enough, the test came back positive very quickly! I sent hubby a text saying "I'm bringing back a surprise for you", then jumped on the plane with the kidlets and flew home.
Hubby was so happy when I told him, and we worked out I was due on July 28th, which just happened to be my parent's 30th wedding anniversary.

The pregnancy went along without a hitch. I had an awful, awful first trimester with the worst morning sickness I have ever had. I was exhausted and tired all the time, couldn't function without a nap every day, and was so sick - vomiting a lot and for no good reason - so much worse than the nausea and food aversions I had with the other two kidlets.

Unlike my other pregnancies, we decided to keep quiet about this one. We told our parents and families at Christmas when I was about 9 weeks along, and then everyone else after a scan confirmed a healthy, happy baby at 11-12 weeks.

Once morning sickness disappeared and I started feeling better, things went much more smoothly. My belly grew very big very quickly, and lots of people thought I was much further along than I was. I started feeling movements around 20 weeks - and being my (most likely) last pregnancy, I tried to enjoy everything as much as I could. We tried to find out the gender at the 20 week scan, but we didn't get a definite confirmation, just a leaning towards it probably being a girl - so we just treated this baby as another wonderful surprise.

We chose to use the midwife we had had when I birthed the little miss at a local independent birth centre. We had such an awesome experience last time, it was a no-brainer really! We had thought about possibly having a home birth this time though, and eventually decided that was what we wanted. It was so nice being able to see my midwife again regularly, and I started reading about water birth, as I planned to use the birth pool for labour and birth.

My pregnancy plodded along without any issues. I had times when I struggled - just feeling exhausted - but that may have been partly to do with my iron levels, because once I started taking floradex I had a lot more energy, and by the end of my pregnancy I couldn't believe how good I was feeling physically. Emotionally I was all over the place. I was really struggling to get myself into a birthy mindset, but I did lots of reading and wrote lots of blog posts, trying to work through any issues I had as I discovered them.

I had really hoped that this baby would come early - well, earlier than my due date. I don't know why, as both my other kidlets had come after 40 weeks. But for some reason I had it in my head that this baby would come early, even if only a day or two. I had thought maybe the weekend just before my due date. But, that came and went and nothing happened. My due date came and went and nothing happened. Then, on the evening of 40+1 I started noticing that bubba was doing lots of 'burying' - I was experiencing a lot of downward pressure and twinges, and thought my plug may have started coming away. I of course hoped this maybe meant things might happen soon - in the next day or two. Through the evening while hubby and I were watching TV I sat on the fitball as I usually did, and noticed I was having a lot of braxton hicks. They were fine, maybe a little more intense than the ones I had been having, but the main thing I noticed was that they kept coming and weren't going away like they usually would. Hubby was completely oblivious, but I did mention to him not long before we were planning on going to bed that it might be a good idea for him to make sure he had an early night, as I had been having frequent tightenings and thought he better get some sleep just in case things started to happen.

We went to bed. Hubby watched some things on the iPad, and I finally wrote out my birth 'fear list' that Mel had been on me to do. After I finished that I attempted to get some sleep. The tightenings were still coming, and getting more intense. I remember lying in bed listening to hubby who kept sniffing and coughing, and for some reason it was really annoying me. At about 11.15pm he turned off the iPad and went to sleep. I tried to go to sleep, but these tightenings (which I guess by then you could call contractions) were strong enough that I couldn't sleep through them. At 11.39pm I sent a text to my friend Mel saying:
"So...Not wanting to get your hopes up, or mine... but I think things might be starting here. Early labour tightenings. Time will tell if it progresses into anything of interest. Been going on all evening, but definitely getting more intense".

Sleep still wasn't coming, and around 1am I got up, having given up on the idea of sleep for the night. I wandered around the dark lounge room, just breathing and swaying through the tightenings. I even sat at the computer and wrote a blog post to my baby... which you can read here.

Around 3am I received a text back from Mel, and we text back and forth. That was such a flashback to when I was in labour with the little miss! Being up like that through the night with pre/early labour just felt like when I was in labour with the little miss, and I think I had it in my head that this labour might end up being similar. By then, contractions were anywhere between 3-6 minutes apart, but not very consistent. They were still pretty tolerable by then, I was just able to breathe - practicing what I had learnt in yoga about breathing into the sensation, and having a tension releasing breath after each rush. Then I started having 10-12 minutes between contractions and I thought I might actually be able to sleep or rest... but when a contraction hit, ouch! The bigger interval between contractions seemed to result in a longer (about 60 seconds), more intense contraction. But with the bigger breaks I attempted to rest as much as possible, being aware that this was early labour and I could have many hours or even days ahead of this. I lay on the couch in the lounge room for the last part of the night. I had stopped timing contractions by then, but I think I was still getting a bigger break between contractions, and very intense when they did hit.

Around 5am I got up from the couch and wandered into the kitchen, rocking and swaying through contractions and using horse lips (Ina May) to get me through. Not long after, the little man woke up and came out to me while I was in the midst of a contraction. He sat up at the table in the dark, and waited for me to finish before then telling me he wanted breakfast. I turned some lights on and got him breakfast, stopping every now and then for a contraction. I explained to the little man that I was having pains in my tummy and that I had been awake all night. I told him that it meant that the baby might be coming today. I was still not convinced really - I hoped of course, but still thought I had a long way to go.

At 6am I sent my sister a message asking if she was free today, as she was going to help out with the kids while I was in labour. I told her I thought I was in early labour and to keep her phone close by. I was still very undecided as to whether I should send the little man to school, as it had always been our intention to have the kids there when the baby was born.
Hubby woke up around this time, after the little man went in and started talking to him, casually mentioning that 'mummy has been awake all night and the baby might come today'.

At about 7am I sent my midwife a text message saying "Good morning Anna. Just thought I better let you know that I am in early labour - have been having contractions all night. Hopefully, fingers crossed, today is baby day!"
I remember thinking to myself that wouldn't it be great if I had my baby by midday today... but seriously did not believe it was possible.
By this stage, contractions were definitely intense, but still not enough that I thought anything would actually happen soon. We decided we would send the little man to school - we could always pull him out early to come and see the baby being born we thought. So, in between contractions I went about making the little man lunch for school and getting him ready. Really, I just went about my morning as normal, checking facebook (to which Mel sent me a text asking what I was doing posting on facebook haha! - I didn't let on to anyone because I really thought I was in for another day of this early labour.)
I did admit that the contractions were already a bit ouchy by this stage, and most were lasting about a minute, but I just figured I was being a sook, and better suck it up for the hours/days ahead.
I did try retreating into my bedroom for a little bit at one stage, but somehow everyone followed me in there. I found this really irritating, so it was then I decided that I'd like to have my sister come and take the little miss for the day, so I sent her a text at about 8.30am asking her to come pick the little miss up at around 9am.

Hubby left to take the little man to school. We tried for a long time to convince the little miss to go with them, but it didn't happen. She was very insistent that she had to stay home. While hubby was out, I had my first few contractions where I found I was really having to vocalise through them. I was standing in the kitchen making noise, with the little miss asking me the whole time "What are you doing? What are you doing mummy?" Once the contraction was over, I explained to her that I was having pains in my tummy because the baby was coming, and that making noises helped. She seemed to be okay with that. Not long after my sister showed up and started getting things organised to take the little miss our for the day. I had a few more contractions while she was here, still needing to vocalise a bit. Hubby got back home, and my sister took the little miss out. After listening to me vocalise through one of the contractions, hubby commented that it was a bit of flashback to my labour with the little miss.

With the house to ourselves, hubby and I tried to decide how to tackle the day ahead. We thought to maybe take a walk to help things along, but first we decided to make sure the pool was fully blown up and get some stock pots heating on the stove for filling the pool later. I mentioned to hubby at around this stage that I had noticed I was feeling really dopey/sleepy after contractions, and that I wondered if it was hormones kicking in, or maybe it was just that I was really tired from no sleep the night before.
I knew I still needed to eat and drink plenty, seeing as this was only early labour still (or so I thought), so I told hubby he should go to the bakery to get some bread, so we could just grab ourselves a quick sandwich or something when we got hungry. At 9.30am, just as hubby was about to leave to go to the bakery, my midwife called to check on me. I really didn't know what to tell her - I was convinced that it was probably still early labour maybe - though contractions were pretty ouchy. I just had no idea where I was in labour, I couldn't tell, I felt so confused about it all. While on the phone to Anna, I had a contraction, but managed to just breathe through it - I had been having to vocalise before that. We talked about all the things that we might do to help labour along - go for a walk, etc. Then another contraction hit and I had to vocalise through that one. I think that must have clued her in that I was maybe a bit further than just early labour. In the notes she has written ' sounds like labour is progressing', and she did comment that the contraction was going for awhile - still about 60 seconds long. We said we would call back later if we needed her, and after we hung up, hubby went to the bakery quickly.

While hubby was out, I slowly wandered up to the little miss's room, and tried out being on my hands and knees, with the idea of helping baby into the best position. While on hands and knees I had a very, very intense long, strong contraction, then another not long after while I was kneeling, leaning against the little miss's bed. During that contraction I had a new, strange sensation 'up there'... I wasn't sure what it was really. I thought it was maybe just my cervix dilating... or maybe something a bit more. Hubby got home as I was slowly making my way back to the lounge room/kitchen. I must have looked a bit out of it or wrecked, because he asked me what was wrong. I told him I had just had a really full on contraction, and maybe things were further along than we thought, but I didn't know.
I stood in the kitchen leaning against the bench through contractions. I kind of felt like I was stuck there. The contractions were coming hard and fast, I was making a lot of noise through them - hubby commented they were coming really quickly now, and he started busying himself with filling up the pool. He spent some contractions next to me, rubbing my lower back. I also had a cold face washer for my face by then, as I was feeling really hot. Then I realised I was starting to make pushy sounds during contractions, and after that happened a couple of times, I realised that we really needed Anna to get here now!
Hubby gave Anna a call at about 10.23am telling her to come now. I was attempting to time contractions, and while he was on the phone to her they were about 4 mins apart, lasting 60 seconds... but then in the time between the phone call and Anna arriving, they suddenly went to 3 mins apart, then 2 mins apart, all lasting a good 60 seconds. I was still sounding and feeling very pushy, and was looking out the window in between contractions, waiting for Anna to arrive.
Anna arrived at 10.45am, and after seeing me through a contraction, called the second midwife to come straight away. Anna checked bub's heart rate. All was good, so she then suggested we go over to the birth pool. It was almost full enough for me to get in, but not quite - and besides, I just wasn't with it enough to even contemplate getting in.
Anna helped me take my pants and underwear off, and suggest I maybe get on my knees and lean on the side of the pool. She did ask a couple of time if I wanted to get in, but once I was in that kneeling position, I was pretty well stuck there. Somewhere in amongst this hubby asked me if I wanted to contact my sister to collect the little man from school to bring home, but I was beyond answering by then. The contractions were right on top of each other and I was feeling very, very pushy now, doing a few involuntary pushes.
At 11am, the second midwife arrived, and in the notes she has written 'Selina on hands and knees, leaning over side of birth pool. Hubby rubbing lower back. Loud groaning with some 'pushy' sounds during contractions. 2 minute contractions lasting a good minute'.
At the peak of another contraction, and starting to involuntarily push, my waters broke - a lot of waters! And then we were really in business with pushing. This was where I remember it got really hard - the pushing felt so good, but the stretching and stinging did not! By now I had lost my low groaning and was just plain old screaming. I remember I still had a face washer in my hand, which I gripped tightly and pressed against my face through the pushing. This stage felt like it went forever, it bloody hurt! And having to hold off and let everything stretch was so hard. I remember thinking how hard it was and how much it hurt, but was still able to think to myself that it would be over soon. That helped. At some point the midwives told me I could reach down and feel her head, which I did - but to honest I had no idea what I was feeling. And then, just for some extra added fun, while crowning, baby decided it would be fun to move around heaps! It was the oddest, most uncomfortable feeling, and I remember (amongst the screaming) sort of saying/screaming 'whoa!' Finally, after what felt like forever, her head was out! The midwives then told me to wait, but I don't think I had any control left in me, because suddenly the rest of the baby slipped out, and at 11.17am our baby was here! The cord was wrapped around the neck twice, so the midwife unwound that, and then I picked up our baby saying "You're here. You're finally here".

The midwife who caught her had said 'he' somewhere along the way, so I assumed the baby was a boy and that we would check later. But then the midwives started asking if it was a boy or girl, so hubby checked - and after checking, twice, we discovered we had another beautiful girl.
She didn't cry straight away and I kept touching her to check she was okay, and of course she was. Soon she pinked up and started crying. I spent a while looking her over - one of the first things I noticed were her fingernails - she has such beautiful long fingernails.
After a little while I started feeling a little bit funny in the head, and the midwives said they thought the placenta was probably about ready to come out. I passed our baby girl to hubby, got back into a kneeling position and soon another contraction came, and at 11.35am I birthed the placenta. We checked the cord had stopped pulsating, and then hubby cut the cord.

The midwives helped tidy me and our baby up, got me dressed and a nappy on baby, and then we moved over to our couch where baby and I lay down skin to skin. Hubby and I had a quick talk and decided we were happy with the name we had chosen - Eloise Charlotte.

Soon after hubby and I talked about ringing the little man's school so we could send my sister to go and pick him up early. We called my sister, not mentioning that the baby had already been born, to go pick up the little man and bring the kids home. Not long after, they arrived, and in came the little man and little miss. I'll never forget the look on the little man's face. He was in awe, instantly in love. The little miss was a bit more unsure, but fascinated by the little baby. She kept saying 'I like your baby' and 'it's a tiny baby'.

I still can't believe how quick everything was in the end. Once labour kicked in, it really kicked in! I'm still processing it all I think! I honestly had it in my head that I was in for many more hours, or even another day of labour before baby would arrive - but man was I wrong!

So...

Eloise Charlotte was born at home on July 30th, 2014 at 11.17am.

Weight: 3.74kg
Length: 52.5cm
Head: 34cm

Labour/Birth:
Stage 1: 1 hour, 45 mins
Stage 2: 32 minutes
Stage 3: 18 minutes

She is settling in to our family wonderfully - looking at her face, she seems so familiar somehow. I can't get enough of her, smelling her head, touching her cheeks. She is perfect.

To my dear sweet baby

To my dear sweet baby,

It is 1.45am and I don't think your mumma is going to be getting much sleep tonight, because it looks like you may have decided the time has come to join us.

You had been wriggling around a lot in the evening, and it felt like maybe you were trying to bury yourself deeper and deeper. I was getting lots of tightening - painless at first, but as the evening/night has progressed, they are getting more and more intense and requiring more of my attention to get through.

I'm feeling a lot of things. I'm still feeling a bit in denial that this is actually happening. After waiting for you for so long, and anticipating when things would start, I can't believe you're actually starting to come. We could be in for a long ride yet, but this definitely feels like the start. I have been trying to sleep, to rest, because if you're anything like your sister, it could still be a day or two before you arrive... but sleep is pretty tricky when these rushes sneak up on me. I may attempt to go back to bed again soon - but first I wanted to spend some time with you my dear, sweet baby.

Even though we've been together this entire pregnancy, I still find it impossible to imagine you. I have tried, and I love imagining you snuggled on my chest, cupping you head in my hands and rocking you, singing to you, feeding you, watching your little chest rise and fall while you sleep... but you are also an abstract idea in my head for now. I can't wait to meet you little one.

Right now the house is dark. Your daddy and brother and sister are all fast asleep, and I am sitting here at the computer quietly typing while I listen to the heater blowing inside, and the wind blowing outside. It's so nice that we can have this time together before you come. It was really important to me - I always imagined being up with you through the night, breathing through the rushes, and savouring our last moments together as one. You've quietened down after being a big, big wriggle pot before! But it's good if you're sleeping - one of us should. I will try to sleep again soon.

I love you sweet baby. You are so loved already. Daddy was so excited when we first found out about you, and he loves feeling you move around inside me. He is just as eager for you to come as me. Your big brother is so excited to meet you. He has been wanting you to arrive for a while now. He will be such a good, caring, sweet big brother to you. He is incredibly patient and loving - I can just picture how gentle he will be with you, lying on the floor next to you and softly patting your smooth little head. You big sister is excited too - she often tells me how she "likes your baby in your tummy", and for a long time through this pregnancy, she insisted that she had a baby in her tummy too. Your big sister is unpredictable, but oh-so-fun and loving and affectionate if you catch her in the right mood.
And while I have spent a fair chunk of this pregnancy complaining, I am so happy you exist. I am so happy to have had this beautiful time with you growing and kicking about in my belly, and I am so happy and excited for you to join our little family. Two little ones just didn't quite seem like enough, but three seems perfect. You, my dear sweet baby, will complete our little family... and soon.

It is now 2.22am. These rushes are getting more and more intense. I wonder how long before you will join us? Will you be born July 30th? Or take your time like your big sister, and not arrive till July 31st? Probably not August... please not bubba!

I feel like there is more I should say to you sweet baby. Soon enough this labour will take hold completely and there won't be any space in my mind for this sort of thing. I hope you are happy in there, enjoying the warmth and darkness of my womb for the last time, resting in preparation. Soon we will meet face-to-face, chest to chest - and it will feel like you were always here, and always meant to be here.

I love you my dear sweet baby. See you soon.

The good (for a change)

It's so common for us (you know, women in general) to complain about being pregnant and especially about all the comments, etc we get from friends/family/strangers. Everyone has opinions when it comes to babies apparently.

I haven't experienced this too much this pregnancy... in fact, I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the absolute beauty and miracle of pregnancy, and how, even in this day and age, it brings people together.

In the past few weeks, I have had so many people asking me about my pregnancy, wishing me good luck, etc. Even strangers from around my neighbourhood and school mums that I pass on school days have stopped me to wish me good luck, and have mentioned how they've been watching me grow. An older lady at a cafe this morning wished me luck, as did an older man at the supermarket last week, and many many people who serve me in shops. It's just lovely to see how a baby can bring about so much interest and well-wishing. That's the way I've been choosing to look at it anyway.

40 weeks - happy due date to me

Well, not so much 'happy' due date, as 'annoyed and frustrated' due date.

Yes, today is my due date. Today I am 40 weeks pregnant with bubba # 3. I really had thought and hoped that I wouldn't get here. I had really hoped bubba would be here by now.

With my other two I had things planned for my due date, to keep myself busy. Plus I never expected anything to happen. With this bubba, I really thought she might have made an appearance, so I haven't planned anything... I kind of wish I had. I want to take it easy, but perhaps the little miss and I will go out for morning tea or something. I'm sure she wouldn't say no to a babycino! At least that's something. I don't really want to do anything else too much, or stray too far from home. Today is hubby's last day at work too, so it will be good to have him around to help from tomorrow.

I did have a lovely comment from a mum at school drop off this morning though. She told me my belly was 'phenomenal' and that I looked amazing, and said how much she missed her belly. It was really lovely to hear. I already know I am going to miss my belly... but that doesn't change the fact that I just want bubba to come now!

After having a few nights in a row where I really thought it might happen through the night, I have kind of given up on that idea. Last night I went to bed expecting it not to happen. Logically I know that it has to happen soon... it just will. But in my mind I have kind of given up on it happening. I'm thinking ahead to what I'll be doing tomorrow, maybe even the day after... I just hate that feeling of disappointment, so I've kind of blocked my mind off to thinking that it might happen any time soon. I may still be here next week, all pregnant. I may still be here the week after. Maybe I'm just destined to be pregnant forever. Maybe I gestate like an elephant. I am ready and willing when this bubba wants to come... but I can't go driving myself nutty waiting around either. I say that now... I'm sure I'll have another hissy fit about still being pregnant in a day or two.

Anyway, below is my 40 week, full bloom belly. I might spend a bit of time doing some timeline photos. It is definitely an impressive belly!

Waiting

Tomorrow is my due date. For some reason I have always had it in my head that I would have bubba before my due date this time. I don't know why I thought that, as both my kidlets were born after my due date... It was just something that had always stuck in my head. So many other mums I know have their babies before their due date - often in that last week. I thought maybe I could do that this time too, but it doesn't look like that's the way things are going to do. It's early morning, so technically I still have sixteen hours or so for things to happen... but it probably won't.

The little man had his heart set on the baby coming today. He keeps asking me if I'm having pains in my tummy, and do I think the baby will come today... I really wanted the baby to come today too.

I didn't think I was getting my hopes up so much, but I was. I've woken up this morning more disappointed than ever that bubba didn't decide to start coming through the night. It's so silly. I was getting lots of tightenings and pressure yesterday afternoon, and I think that really got my hopes up. But I had nothing over night, and nothing so far today.

I was really feeling ready to go.

I think I'm just annoyed at myself for getting my hopes up so much. And annoyed for the potentially many more days I have ahead of me with this same disappointment. Argh - I just hate this waiting at the end of pregnancy! I wish I hadn't had it in my head that it might happen early.

Tomorrow is my due date - and I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to keep myself busy and distracted, but I don't have anything planned. The little man is off to school, so it could just be a quiet day with the little miss. I have a feeling it is going to be a looong day though. Hubby starts holidays the following day. It will be nice to have him home and here to help. Hopefully he can help distract me too. Ugh. At the moment I just envisage days and days, weeks and weeks of this mindless, never-ending, waiting. I am going to go nuts.

I feel like I am as ready as I can be. I'm in a state of being ready, and not ready. Ready for things to just happen because I'm so sick of waiting and I want to meet this baby... but also completely unable to fathom that there is in fact a baby in my belly, who will be joining us soon. I can't picture it, but I think that's normal too. I just want things to start!  I'd quite like to go and throw a little 2 year old tantrum now actually. Argh!!!

I thought I was doing okay at staying positive. I was... when I really thought things might happen last night/today. Now I'm just cranky and sad and irrational about it. I want it to happen now.

I need to remember one of the birth affirmations I have - "I trust my baby will be born healthy and at the perfect time". I just wish that perfect time was today.

Limbo (39+4)

I am in that oh-so-annoying stage at the end of pregnancy. Limbo is a good word for it... I am just waiting now, and my feelings about it swing back and forth, back and forth many times every single day.

Every night I go to bed wondering if tonight could be it? Will I go to bed and wake up with contractions like I did with the little miss? Every morning I wake up just a bit disappointed that nothing happened... and that disappointment will only grow as the days continue.

I hadn't really expected anything to happen just yet anyway - my due date isn't for another three days anyway - but there is always that hope that you may be taken by surprise with an earlier baby. My hope hasn't all gone either. I kind of have it in my head that it might happen this weekend. I wouldn't say I have a strong, intuitive feeling - more that I always picture going into labour on a weekend when hubby is home... and if not this weekend, would that then mean next weekend? That's ages away! I am trying not to get too caught up on the idea of bubba coming this weekend, because I'll most likely be disappointed. Still, hubby has his guess for Saturday (tomorrow) and the little man has his guess for Sunday. I went into labour with the little miss very, very late (as in 11pm) at 40+1... so if I don't go this weekend, that will probably be the next date I will be secretly hoping for... After that, I am probably just going to be a mess. The idea of going over by heaps - a week or more, just depresses me so much! You know, I've waited this long already - and I've (mostly) been so patient - why should I have to wait any more! Oh, and the idea of seeing people and them asking when the baby is coming/due/why isn't the baby here yet, etc - said in fun or excitement of course, but hard to take when you're overdue. Not to mention those whisperings and doubts that start to creep in, and you begin to doubt whether this baby is ever actually going to come out! To be honest, I am having those already - which is ridiculous! I'm not even at my due date yet! But a pregnant woman and logic don't necessarily go together.

And then, while I think all of the above... to make matters even more confusing and crazy, I also have times when I am content. Excited that it could be happening soon, but also just happy to enjoy the end of my pregnancy. Sometimes I am even glad that it's not happening yet, because I feel like I'm not ready. I mean, I am ready, but it's kind of nice to live in the life that I'm used to for now too, you know? I still feel like there is so much I want to do. I want to spend more time just being with this baby in my belly, because despite always saying I wanted to, I have barely done it this pregnancy. I so struggle to be in the moment, I am always thinking about what I need to do next. I think that's part of why I have loved pregnancy yoga so much - it was time to just think about and connect with bubba. I always intended to do some similar meditation at home, but it never happened. So I still want to do that. I still feel like I need to get to a birthy mindset, but at the same time I don't want to get too obsessed with it, because whenever I start reading birth stories or watching birth videos, I just want to do it now!

And let's not even get started on how I simply cannot comprehend that I am going to have a brand new little baby! You would think by number three that I could get my head around it by now, but I can't! I can't wait to meet this bubba, but at the same time I cannot comprehend that there is a bubba in there.

And so my mind goes back and forth, back and forth, over and over every day.

I kind of feel like once I am in labour - early labour, that my mind will click and I'll be there, getting in the zone and feeling 110% ready. The waiting around, the wondering when... that drives me bonkers.

But soon, very soon... my precious bubba bump will be here, and all of this will be forgotten. Long forgotten.

I'm ready

Bubba bump has run out of room. The last few nights when I'm lying down trying to sleep, I can feel bubba pushing against my ribs. It doesn't feel nice, and between that and sore hips, sleep is becoming harder and harder to achieve.

My body is screaming at me to slow down. I have felt really good (physically) for the most part. I am really surprised at how good I have been feeling actually. Shouldn't I be feeling more tired and sore and heavy and awkward? I certainly have my moments, but for the most part I haven't really slowed down. Then yesterday afternoon I started feeling like I was maybe getting sick, and by tea time I was an absolute wreck. I ended up going to bed straight after tea and resting while hubby got the kidlets to bed. I didn't sleep properly until around my normal bed time, but at least I was resting. I feel better this morning, but last night was a bit of a wake up call that I need to be resting and slowing down. There is a whole other human inside my belly that needs looking after, and I need to look after myself so I am then able to birth safely and then look after him/her.
So... I have done all the things that I wanted to get done before bubba comes. My big grocery shop is done, everything is piled in the corner and ready for the birth. I finished the birth book I was reading. I am ready. Last night, I even ended up saying to bubba "Just let mummy have a rest, then you can come". My aim from now on, until bubba comes, is to rest and relax as much as possible. No more of this rushing around and visiting people, etc. I just need to hibernate at home, spend these last days being with the kidlets, and looking after myself.

I am now at the point where I go to bed every night wondering if tonight will be it. I don't think the little man realised how close bubba is to arriving until I told him that - I told him the other night when putting him to bed that bubba could come tonight, or in two weeks. He was so excited when he realised it could be so soon. Even hubby told me last night how excited the little man was - whenever we talk about it he starts bouncing and sticking his tongue out (which is a good indicator of excitement haha).

So, dear little bubba currently taking up residence in my belly - we're ready for you. We're ready to meet you and cuddle you and have you be a part of our little family. There is so much love for you already, and we can't wait to meet you.

39 weeks

I simply cannot explain with words how confused and in denial I feel to be 39 weeks. I'm going to freaking have a BABY in the next few days/weeks. Like, an actual, real, newborn baby that I grew! You would think having done this twice before, that I would be able to wrap my head around it, but if anything I am struggling with the whole idea more this time. I don't know if it is because I have been more distracted this pregnancy with the kidlets maybe - I have less time to think about it. Or maybe it's that for the most part I am still feeling pretty good, so it's hard to believe how close to the end I am. I had an especially busy weekend too, so that kept me extra distracted. I just can't believe how close I am. I could have a baby by this time next week!

Speaking of when bubba is going to join us... My entire family have dates picked, the first of which is this Friday. However, almost everyone thinks I'll go past 40 weeks. I know it is likely I will go over 40 weeks again, but for some reason it really bothers me that everyone thinks I will still be pregnant at 40 weeks (and for some, a week or more after). I don't know - it kind of takes away from the excitement of the possibility that it could happen any day, and makes me feel like maybe I'll just be pregnant forever. I think crazy pregnant lady has taken over my logic again. Of course I'm not going to be pregnant forever. At the very most, it would probably be three weeks, but most likely less. I don't think I'm even in a rush for it to happen anyway. I have a few things I still need to organise, as well as a book I want to finish. Hubby and I have been watching Friends, and we are halfway through season 9 - we could probably finish that before bubba comes haha! So, in some ways I don't want to bubba to come yet - I don't quite feel ready.

I had a really lovely, busy weekend. I went away overnight with my mum's group. In the past we have gone out to a shack at the beach, but as my due date was so close, we decided to stay a bit closer to home - so just stayed at one of the mums houses. She lives out in the bush though, so it still felt like a lovely escape. As it turned out, this getaway was also a surprise baby shower for me! Not with organised games and all that, but I received a few beautiful gifts, and one of the mums made a big rainbow cake for the occasion. We spent the whole weekend talking and eating and drinking (for those that could). We stayed up well past my bed time, and then I ended up waking early anyway - but it turned out okay, as I spent ages in the dark looking out the window to the twinkling lights of the city, and then watched the sunrise. It was so beautiful and peaceful - such nourishment for the soul. I never just stop and appreciate stuff like that anymore. It was lovely.

I didn't leave until after lunch the next day. I came home, and we went straight to my parents to see my aunt and uncle who are over visiting from England. Then hubby and I went out for tea and a movie that night. It was a full on weekend with no time to stop - which was a good distraction, but it also threw me out of feeling ready for the birth, etc. I'm still trying to get myself back into that headspace.

I am now just wanting to get all those last minute things done, and then just enjoy these last days/weeks of being pregnant. Enjoy this time before our lives change entirely!

And here I am at 39 weeks! I'm pretty sure bubba is pretty well out of room - the movements are very much just squirming now. I bet he/she is curled up into a pretty tight ball! My next midwife appointment isn't until Saturday, and of course I'm hoping not to make it...

Crazy pregnant woman

Wow, I have just been a crazy pregnant woman the past few days. I had a couple of days of being in an awful, awful foul mood. I'm really not used to being like that - I am generally a fairly positive person, but the past few days I was someone else. Negative, everyone and everything was annoying me... and put on top of this my obsessive negative worrying about bubba's position. I was just not in a good place. I wouldn't say I'm completely out of this mood yet, but I am definitely feeling better today.

I am trying to get past my worries about the baby being in a not ideal position... I am pretty sure bubba has gone posterior. I have been doing a bit of reading, etc about ways to get baby to spin... I've been obsessing. It's bad - it's just not healthy for me. I did find this on the spinning babies website though, which was nice to read:

We can’t panic just because the baby is posterior. Most posterior babies turn around, rotate, to the anterior during labor.

I need to remember this. Most posterior babies rotate to the anterior in labour. The little miss was partially posterior. There is plenty I can do in labour, and I assume the contractions help bubba to rotate as well. I am in such a silly place of worrying - and what good is it going to do? Absolutely nothing except make me feel bad and possibly pass some stress onto bubba.

I can't control this.

I need to calm down and just let things happen the way they happen.

I need to allow myself to get excited about this birth, and about finally meeting our bubba.

I'm allowed to be happy and enjoy this!

Now, I just need to drill this all into my head and start actually believing it. Honestly, I'm impossible. Someone slap me.

I am trying to get on with things and treat myself a bit. I had a pedicure this morning which was lovely - I wish it had gone longer. Tomorrow I'm booked in for a haircut, which I have been wanting for a long time. This weekend I am away with my mum's group which should be lovely and relaxing without the kids - one last relaxing, kid-free outing before bubba arrives. Then, early next week I am hoping hubby and I can go out for tea and see a movie - they may happen over a couple of evenings perhaps. I may even treat myself to something else next week - maybe a pregnancy massage, or a manicure. Something. I want to treat myself and try and relax and distract myself a bit. Who knows when bubba will come!?

I need to snap out of my crazy, negative mood too because I want to enjoy these last days/weeks with my two kidlets. I want to snuggle with them and just enjoy them, because it is going to all change so much once bubba is here. I have been so absorbed in my fears and doubts and everything else birth-related that I haven't been fully present with them, and I think they have picked that up, because they have been acting up more than usual. It could be that they would have been like that anyway (bored, school holidays, too much TV, etc), but my negative mood has not helped at all. I need to slow down, breathe, relax, and just be in the moment. Be with my kidlets: my gorgeous little man, my funny feisty little miss and my precious bubba that I can't wait to meet. Oh, and hubby too of course!

I am seeing Anna in about an hour, so I'm hoping she has remembered to bring the birth pool, and I'll hopefully get some of my thoughts/worries out.
And I have my support from afar. Some beautiful texts from some beautiful friends - whose support means more to me than they realise.

Update: So, Anna has come and gone. The birth pool and accessories are now in our house! We can now do a trial run with it sometime, make sure everything fits and is ready. I am so want to fill it up and have a bath of sorts in it too - it will be good to get a feel for the pool, and moving around in it, try out positions, etc.
It's getting close! It's getting real!

I was also able to have a quick chat with Anna about my worrying/obsessing about baby's position. She reassured me most babies will rotate, especially this being my third. All it means is that my labour might muck around in the beginning like it did with the little miss. We talked about coming up with some positive affirmations that I can write down and stick up near the birth pool... leaving the negative thoughts behind and replacing them with something positive.
As it is, when Anna checked for bubba's position, he/she was in LOA anyway... perfect position! I honestly thought bubba was posterior because I had been getting pokes close to the middle of my belly, but maybe it wasn't a foot like I thought, but the side of a leg or something. Anyway, it is reassuring to know bubba does in fact know how to get to a good position, even if he/she doesn't stay there. I'm not expecting bubba to stay there with so much fluid to swim around in, but it should mean that when labour starts, if bubba isn't there already, he/she should be able to get there... and hopefully things will be lovely and straightforward.

Maybe, just maybe, I might get the beautiful birth I had envisioned after all.

38 weeks 1 day

I didn't end up having time to blog or have my belly pic taken yesterday, so here we are one day late.

I have been feeling pretty good physically, for the most part. I've been quite energetic, my house is so tidy! I guess it's nesting - I have been so on top of my housework and washing for the past few weeks. I have managed to go for short walks (15-20 mins) three days in a row, and still managing to keep up in my pregnancy yoga class. I've been keeping myself busy in the body - I think partly because I don't want to get caught lounging back on the couch... I'm still thinking about bubba's position a lot.
However, today I am exhausted. Kids were up at 5.30am, hubby and I got up with them at 6am... this isn't unusual, but I am really struggling today. I have already had a couple of lie downs - with the intention of reading, but I keep drifting off.

So, I really need to listen to my body and take it easy today. Really, I need to be taking it easy most of the time... I need to be well rested and ready for when labour finally begins.

Mentally I am just all over the place. I have moments of feeling really positive, moments of absolute fear, moments of annoyance that it's not happening yet, moments of complete denial that it is all happening so soon. I managed to get to a place of feeling positive about the birth... about it all going well no matter what position the baby is in, about being in the right headspace... but it doesn't take much for that to all unravel and me start obsessing and worrying again.
I had a friend visit yesterday - one of the friends who had a traumatic birth - and I discovered that she is not the best company to keep as I approach this birth. Her intentions are all lovely, but she does my mental state no good. She spent so much time yesterday with her over-the-top "I really hope you get a good birth" said with concern and genuine worry in her voice. I don't need that - I need people telling me "You will have an amazing birth, you will do it, you will rock this birth" etc. I know there is no way to know that for sure, but it is that attitude and encouragement that I need. I remember when I was pregnant with the little miss, I must have been voicing one of my concerns with my midwife, and she simply said "You will do it". Those simple words were enough - suddenly I just believed that I would. And I did.
This friend of mine also got very concerned about baby's position, terrified for me to have a posterior labour. It was just so not what I needed when I already obsess about the baby's position enough as it is.
So, I think I need to avoid seeing her again until the baby comes... and hope that she doesn't realise. I don't want to offend her, but I know what I need at the moment, and her version of 'support' is not it.

To be honest, I keep anticipating that over the next week or two, I am kind of going to want to withdraw from friends, and everyone, anyway. I feel like I'll need to be alone to feel my feelings and get myself in the right head space, and I think that will be easier if I can be alone (well alone with the kidlets) as much as possible.

I have a few things going on this week, and this weekend I'm away with my mum's group, but after that I kind of just want to keep to myself. I have had it in my head that I want to be ready for this baby by 39 weeks - just in case bubba decides to come a little early. There's a few things I still want to do... obviously there is getting the birth pool here and getting my birth space set up, then there is the mum's group getaway, and I want to have my haircut, and I'd like hubby and I to go out on a dinner and movie date... you know, last one in awhile! Maybe a pedicure too, cause I actually had one at the end of my other two pregnancies.
And I hope to get to a place of feeling ready... because I don't think I'm there yet.

I am feeling pretty emotional today, maybe because I'm so tired. Or maybe because I'm 38 weeks pregnant. Either way, I anticipate some tears today - and probably for no apparent reason. Isn't pregnancy fun!?

Oh, and here is my belly pic. My big 38 week belly!

Just a hint of excitement

Last night I was lying in bed reading the water birth book that I have been trying to finish. The last chapter is all birth stories of women who had had water births either in hospital or at home. The stories weren't very long... but after reading them for awhile, I suddenly found myself actually getting excited about going into labour! For a moment I left all the worry about baby position, how I will cope in labour, etc behind, and was just able to feel excitement at the prospect of going into labour and taking that journey to meeting this tiny bubba growing inside me. It was such a wonderful feeling. I think I started remembering when I first went into labour with the little miss - it was all so new, but I was content in many ways because it was finally time to meet my baby.

I have been so caught up with thinking and preparing myself for the birth, stressing/obsessing about getting this baby into the best position, etc, I haven't allowed myself any time just to sit back and enjoy this. I am in the last weeks of my probably last pregnancy, the last weeks of being a family of four, and the last weeks before I get to meet my new baby. I am going to absolutely kick myself if I don't take time to be in the moment and enjoy this.

So, that's what I aim to start doing more and more. Just breath, and be in the moment from time to time.

Random ramblings

I don't really know what I want to write about... all I now is that I have too much running through my head and I need to get some of it out.

I had an appointment with Anna on Tuesday, and everything was fine. My BP is staying steady, bubba is happy and healthy in there. She did mention again that I have a lot of fluid. Anna doesn't seem concerned, and I'm pretty sure I had the same with the little miss. Bubba also isn't in an ideal position, but with all the fluid seems to be able to move around pretty freely still. At my check up, bubba was on the right, half way between anterior and posterior. And ever since I have been obsessing over bubba's position and being hyper-aware of how I'm sitting, lying, etc, and doing pelvic tilts to try and encourage bubba to the left... but honestly, it doesn't feel like it is doing anything. Bubba is still all over the place, but always seems to settle back to the right. I am sick of thinking and worrying about it - especially when there probably isn't a great deal more I can do anyway. I just need to remind myself that the little miss wasn't in an ideal position either - she was slightly posterior, and she just took her time to wriggle around into the best position, and then I went on the birth her just fine.

I'm definitely in that place between trying to do everything I can for a good birth, but at the same time needing to surrender, because ultimately it is all out of my control anyway.

It's the same with when the baby comes. I know that this bubba most likely won't come before the due date, and almost definitely not any more than a week early... but I still have that secret hope that I'll be surprised with an early bubba. I think Anna kind of burst my little bubble of hope of that happening (not in mean way, just in a realistic way), as she kept mentioning she didn't expect me to go until very close to or after my due date. The same with my family - they've all started putting in their guesses of when they think bubba will arrive... the little man has guessed one day before my EDD, but everyone else is guessing after. Which I guess was bumming me out a bit, but it is more realistic. I think I need to get it into my head not to expect (secretly or not) for bubba to come until then. Bubba will come when he/she is ready, not before... and that is the way it should be. Bubba knows when he/she is ready, and I need to trust that, accept that, and move on.

I have been trying to finish the water birth book I have been reading. I am finding it hard to fit in reading. I have been coming across some really good quotes and jotting them down along the way. One of my favourites is:

"You can't 'do' labour - you can only follow the urges of your body, let go and let it happen".

I am feeling okay(ish) about labour. Trying to remind myself that it is going to be hard work, etc - and not having a romantic idea of how it will be. But the pushing stage... I just can't picture it, and that is the part I am most worried about something going wrong. That seems to be where everything goes pear-shaped for other people. Anna also mentioned at my appointment that they've had a lot of hospital transfers this year, mostly first time mums. She said it was something like 4 out of the 16 births she's attended this year - so 25%. Most got to fully dilated, then needed transferring - most just had a forceps or ventouse delivery though, so at least not caesareans. I just feel like I am hearing more stories about transfers and home birth/natural births going wrong than right. It makes it hard to stay positive that the same thing won't happen to me. But again... I need to get to that level of acceptance. What will be will be. What will happen will happen. I can only do so much, this bubba growing inside of me will decide the rest.
I am doing everything I believe I can to give this bubba the best start. By going through Anna I am allowing this bubba to decide when he/she is ready to arrive, and am giving this bubba the best opportunity to be born into a calm, loving environment, without drugs and out the way nature intended... but if things don't go that way, at least I have given it my best shot.

Anyway, that is just some of the many thoughts running through my head these days. Now that I've written them down, hopefully I can get on with my day and begin to let it all go.

37 weeks - full term baby!

As of today I am considered full term and bubba bump can feel free to arrive any time. Having said that, I do not anticipate anything happening for another 2-3 weeks yet... or more. I would love to go a little early this time, but seeing as my other two kidlets were both born over 40 weeks, it seems unlikely.

I have had a kind of difficult week. I am starting to feel like I am really not coping. The kidlets are on school holidays now, and the little miss has decided that now would be a fantastic time to turn into a devil-child. She has gone backwards with toilet training - it's like she's gotten bored and isn't even trying anymore. She is having these random meltdowns that go on and on and on where she can't be consoled and nothing seems to work to distract her out of it. She seems to be having one a day, and I just don't know what to do with her. Both kidlets want things from me all the time - even when hubby is home they call out to me first, and often even refuse to let hubby's help, etc anyway. All of this I am usually fine coping with... But at the moment I am not. I am heavily pregnant and finding that i really want to withdraw into myself, but this is impossible with the kidlets. I have managed to catch some kind of bug/cold (desperately hoping it is not the awful flu that is going around), so I am not 100% anyway. I've lost count of the number of times I've randomly started crying over the past few days. For the first time yesterday I actually found myself thinking "I just want this baby out and this pregnancy over and done with"... So yeah, definitely must be getting to the over it stage. I lost it at the little miss last night over something so small and unimportant - I scared her and myself. I am just not coping - and I still have two weeks of school holidays left - home alone with the kidlets every day. I'm dreading it to be honest, and I hate that because I should be using it as our special last few weeks as just a a family of four before everything changes. I want them to feel loved and special and prepared as best they can be for the big changes about to take place. I need to snap out of this sad and sorry for myself mindset!

We are almost all ready for bubba's arrival now. The bassinet is set up, I had heaps of white bonds wonder suits given to me - so bubba actually has a decent amount of clothes now. Hubby spent quite a few hours yesterday trying to squeeze all three seats into the back of our car. They do fit, just, but we are having trouble accessing the buckle for the little man's belt. We're still trying to come up with a solution for that.
Apart from that, it's just being ready and set up for the actual birth, which won't be happening until my midwife drops off the birth pool. I'm seeing her tomorrow for an appointment, so I'm kind of hoping it might be ready for her to bring with her then. I want to have it set up soon so I can feel organised. Finished. Ready for bubba bump to arrive. I have it in my head that everything has to be completely ready and organised by the time I am 39 weeks.

Speaking of the birth, I had a dream last night that I went into labour. I was struggling, but I did get to fully dilated and my waters broke... but then nothing happened. I never felt the urge to push or feel the baby move down or anything. I'm wondering if this is a fear I have? I hadn't thought about it like that before now, but it does make sense. Whenever I think of the birth, I can only ever visualise myself labouring... The pushing side of things I just can't seem to conjure up. I will mention it to Anna tomorrow I think. I don't feel ready for the birth at all right now. I feel too weak and fragile.

Anyway, I am very much hoping for a more positive week. Hopefully I can get over this cold and get out of my funk. I don't want to feel like this - it's not fun for anyone.

I haven't had my photo for this week taken yet - I'll add it when I get hubby to take it.

36 weeks

36 weeks - far out! Seeing that is scary - it's all getting so close now. Next week I'll be considered 'full-term'! I just can't quite get my head around how quickly this has all gone - it definitely gets quicker each pregnancy! I remember with the little man's pregnancy, everything just dragged and dragged. Even with the little miss it did a bit too. This time, it has mostly flown. I guess I'm busier with the kidlets, but I also feel like my mindset about the whole thing has changed... for the most part I'm more patient than I was in my previous pregnancies, and more accepting of how pregnancy works. It takes a long time... if I focus on it constantly it will drag on forever, so I just get on with my life. However, having said all that, I'm sure over the next few weeks I will find myself just getting over it and not being quite so patient. The end of pregnancy sucks. I'm not quite to the point of being completely over it - but it will happen, I have no doubt!

I guess I don't have much to update this week because I did a pretty big blog post over the weekend. I already mentioned that I saw my lovely midwife last week, and that everything was good. My blood pressure is behaving itself thankfully - that is something that I do worry about a bit, because it was definitely creeping up in my pregnancy with the little miss. But it seems to be staying put this time, so fingers crossed it can continue to do so. Bubba was head down, partially engaged and on the right at my appointment... but I think that was changed. I often have a feel for bubba's bottom, and that has been swapping from right to left to centre... and I think she popped out of being engaged, but has maybe dropped down again? Well, that's what I suspect with the amount of bladder pressure and pelvic discomfort I had walking the kids to school this morning! I do worry a bit about bubba getting into the best position - but then I figure, the little miss wasn't in the best position to begin with... I had my labour muck around for 24 hours while she got herself into a good position - then all was fine. There's only so much I can do anyway, and ultimately bubba will be in whatever position she wants to be! She is head down - that is better than breech or transverse! And she has plenty of time to wriggle into the best position for birth - even if it doesn't happen until labour begins!

Reading for the birth is coming along, but slowly. I finished Ina May, now I have moved onto a water birth book. I really want to get that one read so I can start on the one a friend sent down that a few friends have highly recommended.

What else? Probably not a great deal to mention... this is the last week of school before holidays, so I only have today, tomorrow and the following day of just the little miss at home... then we move onto both kidlets home all the time and my mum going back to full time work. I've been trying to think of activities to take them too that don't involve too much physical exertion and wrangling on my behalf. I am also hoping to arrange plenty of play dates with friends - both to amuse the kidlets and for me to keep my sanity!
And in amongst that, I will be needing to get the last minute things organised for bubba, and for the birth! I am looking forward to the birth pool being delivered here!

Anyway, that's enough for today. Here is this week's belly pic. I wonder how much growing I'll do over the next few weeks?

One month till my due date!!!

Today is the 28th of June, which means I am now one month (30 days) from my due date with my not-so little bubba bump.

Here is a photo I took through the week - so much belly there! I wonder how much bigger I'll get in the coming weeks!? I do love my belly though, and already I am feeling sad at the prospect of never having a big, round pregnant belly again. Every time I walk by a mirror or see my reflection in a window, my eyes are drawn to my belly. I'll admit, I admire it. I spend quiet moments at home rubbing it and appreciating it's shape. I really think this is our last bubba though, so I want to spend as much time enjoying my belly while I still have it. I really want to finish paying off our photographer so I can the see the rest of my maternity photos!

But, as much as I love my belly... I do also find myself looking forward to having my body back to myself. I am getting to that stage in pregnancy where it is quite hard to get comfortable. I am so aware of not slouching and trying to encourage bubba into a good position, that I can't just fall back into the couch. I sit on the fit ball or right on the edge of chairs, leaning forward. When I get sick of that, I try lying on my left side, but even that gets uncomfortable. I'm starting to wake through the night (usually around 3.30am) and not being able to get back to sleep, mostly because I can't get comfortable. If I do too much in a day I end up feeling absolutely wrecked and hobble around like an old woman. I had a big cleaning/nesting surge earlier in the week where I spent almost the entire day on my feet cleaning, and by evening my back was very sore and I couldn't walk properly. Luckily I was fine again by the next day. My bodily limitations can certainly be frustrating, and I am looking forward to being able to collapse in a heap on the couch and lie however I want in bed again. Oh, and I'm looking forward to not having a baby bottom pushing up on my ribs!

Mentally/emotionally I am feeling okay at the moment. I am definitely in preparation-mode for the birth. I have picked up the pace with my reading and am watching a few videos. I, without consciously intending to, spend a lot of time visualising myself in labour... Visualising myself trying different positions, breathing, concentrating, relaxing between contractions. I'm having more trouble visualising the pushing stage. I hope to feel a bit more in control of that stage this time. Last time I wasn't really aware of what was happening - I don't know if it was because I was tired from labouring so long, or if I just don't feel that baby moving down sensation that I always hear about. I also had my midwives instructing with pushing - I'd love it this time if I was able to feel when to push and let the baby slide out. I guess with the little miss, she really needed me to push her out because she had a hand up by her face. Hopefully bubba bump doesn't do that! It is quite likely this bubba will be born in water - I'd love to be the one to 'catch' bubba. But I guess we will see!

I would really like to spend more time quietly visualising and meditating... I love the stuff we do in my yoga class - but in day-to-day life there isn't a great deal of 'quiet time'. It is something I'm hoping to do more of in the coming weeks though.

Speaking of things I'd like to do in the coming weeks... I am going to try doing all those things I have been meaning to do. I need to be more consistent with my iron supplement (I'm taking Floradix) - I am supposed to take it twice a day, but I always forget my evening dose. I also need to be consistent with raspberry leaf tea. I want to make sure I'm having two cups a day, building up over the next few weeks. And I just need to be eating better - consistently. I have a few good days, then a few really bad days. I need to keep up with my vegies/fruit, meat, calcium. I want to start eating more dates, just in case that study about eating more dates and not going over your due date is true... It can't hurt anyway! I should be walking every day, but honestly this time of year it is not going to happen. It is dark and wet and freezing cold most of the time, and with school holidays coming up, I'm not going to have many opportunities to get out without the kids. I will attempt to get some walking in though... as well as yoga every Sunday. Some of the yoga stuff I find myself doing at home, but it's mostly positions and breathing in preparation for labour and birth.

Mostly I just want to stop with the bad habits and give bubba a good start... probably too little too late really, but it's got to be better than not trying.

Oh yes, so I was talking about feeling okay mentally/emotionally. I have been doing a lot of thinking about the birth, about what I want, fears I have, beliefs I have, etc. To be honest, I have had my moments of worry and panic. As I think I've mentioned, I have had two close friends have some pretty traumatic birth experiences - and this was outside of the hospital system. I had wondered if it would play on my mind, and it has a bit. I was finding myself feeling really worried about what could go wrong, and not feeling inspired and empowered from all those awesome birth stories in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I mentioned it to my midwife at my appointment this week too. But I think I am slowly getting my head around it all. I have no indicators of anything going wrong... my blood pressure is behaving itself, my wee tests always come back fine, baby is growing really well. I want to give my baby the best opportunity to choose his/her own birthday, and to be given the chance to have as natural a birth as possible with all those awesome hormones, etc, for bubba and me. I have done enough reading over the years to know that a natural, drug-free, vaginal birth is the best and safest option in most cases. Plus, I want that high... that amazing high you get after giving birth without drugs. I want to give myself over to it, you know? And I know the only real way for me to have any of this, is to avoid the hospital. The VBAC thing barely even feels like an issue to me anyway, but to the hospital it would mean not being allowed to go past my due date, being on the electronic fetal monitors (probably constantly), being stuck to a bed and not able to move freely, being on a time limit, not feeling comfortable... and all this to probably end up with another caesarean or an assisted delivery... I don't want any of that! Sure, if there is a reason, an emergency, I will go willingly to a hospital, because I will know that is necessary. But I would hate to not even be given the chance for a natural birth. So, in that way, I feel safe and secure in my decision to be going through an independent midwife and having a home birth. The hospital doesn't feel right for me... If it becomes necessary - then that is just what will happen - but at least this way I am giving my baby the opportunity for the best start in life. I am reminded of my conversations with one of my friends who had a traumatic birth experience. Talking to her in the hospital after she had an emergency caesarean which also resulted in her having a partial hysterectomy... we were talking about whether going the birth centre route had been the right choice. But I reminded her, by going that way, she was able to go into labour on her own when her baby was ready. She was able to labour (she got to fully dilated, but nothing happened when she tried pushing), which meant she and the baby got all those awesome hormones flowing, which hopefully will help with bonding, etc. She had at least tried to have her VBA2C, and would have forever regretted it if she hadn't tried. We talked about the scenario that would have likely happened if she had gone the hospital route instead. Despite her traumatic birth, she ultimately felt she had made the right decision to go through an independent midwife and birth centre.

I think I would be the same - if something went wrong and I had to transfer and ended up with another caesarean, I think I would at least feel satisfied that I had given it a good go. My midwife is awesome, I completely trust her - if she thinks we need to transfer, it will be because we need to transfer. But most people don't transfer - and more than likely, I will have a natural, safe birth.

So, I have had all of that going through my head over and over - as well as texting with the other friend who had the traumatic birth... I think I am getting to a point of acceptance. That slight fear will always be there, but I think there is always an element of fear with the amount of horror stories you hear these days - but I really feel I have weighed everything up fully, and have made the right decision for me. I don't feel like that fear is going to get in my way now, if that makes sense? I have accepted it, and moved on.

Another thing that has helped with this is seeing my amazing midwife this past week. It had been a long time since I'd seen her (28 weeks was the last time), and I had really missed her. She has a wonderful way of putting me at ease, and I left her feeling really confident and excited about the birth.

Aside from thinking about the birth (a lot), I am trying to not forget that there will actually be a baby at the end of all this! I am trying to remember to enjoy these last weeks with my two kidlets, spending time just being with them, before all our lives change forever. It's such a strange place to be in - this preparing for the birth of a new baby. I feel like I really need to go into myself, but at the same time I want and need to be there for my two kidlets. I want to spend quiet moments alone with just the baby growing in my belly, but I also want to prepare the kidlets as best I can and have them feel just as involved with the baby. I'm wanting to enjoy these last weeks as a family of four, while also dreaming about what life will be like with a newborn. I read an article the other day that someone posted in my belly buddy group... here is a quote from it that describes this feeling perfectly:

The last days of pregnancy— sometimes stretching to agonizing weeks—are a distinct place, time, event, stage. It is a time of in between. Neither here nor there. Your old self and your new self, balanced on the edge of a pregnancy. One foot in your old world, one foot in a new world.

- See more at: http://www.mothering.com/articles/the-last-days-of-pregnancy-a-place-of-in-between/#sthash.pq0vxvgG.dpuf

So there we are! I have a lot going through my mind right now obviously. I feel close to the end, but not... In some ways I don't want to focus on time at all, just ignore being pregnant and get on with life, so that time will pass more quickly. But then I also want to try and enjoy these last weeks of what will most likely be my last pregnancy. Expect a lot more blog posts from me over the next few weeks - I suspect I will be needing to get a lot of thoughts out of my head!

35 weeks - 35 days to go!

Well, that's what one of my pregnancy apps tells me. 5 weeks/35 days till my due date. When you put it like that, it seems so very, very close!!!

We had a big weekend this weekend, with lots of pregnancy/birth/baby related stuff.

On Saturday morning I was pampered and made up - I had my hair curled and some professional make up done (including fake lashes!)... then we piled everyone into the car and drove out to Hollybank to have my maternity photos done.

The weather was pretty touch and go, but luckily the rain stayed away and we were able to have our photos done. We had some family photos done, some of just the kids, some of just hubby and me. Then later we did some artsy shots with me draped in various fabrics... which meant I spent some time in the forest in nothing by my underwear and some sheer fabric! Not what you'd expect in Tassie in the middle if winter. I've been pretty nervous about how the photos would come out - being self conscious of how much weight I've gained this pregnancy... but last night my photographer put a sneak peek up on Facebook, and I *think* I'm happy with it. I am - I just wish I looked nicer in the face.

I'm not sure how to save it/share it here, so I will leave it for now.

Straight from our photo shoot in the forest, we drove back into town - swapped cars with my mum and left the kids with her... then hubby and I went straight to our couples birthing workshop thing. It was really good. I can't say that I learnt a lot of new things... between all my reading and already going to her yoga class once a week, I had heard most of it before... but for hubby's benefit, it was awesome. There was a lot of really practical advice - massage, natural pain relief, what to do/not do for the woman in labour, etc. I'm hoping it will help hubby feel a bit more confident and in control as a birth support this time round. The workshop was also really wonderful for getting hubby and I talking about the upcoming birth, what we want from it, unpacking previous births, etc. It helped us to connect with each other, and open up about a few things... We both get so caught up in the bustle of everyday life, that we often forget to check in with each other, take a moment to just be with each other, you know? Anyway, it was a really good afternoon - lots of personal growth stuff for both of us.

Sunday afternoon I had my usual yoga class too, and that was pretty good. I can really see how the techniques and positions learnt in the class will be amazingly beneficial in labour.

So I have had a pretty positive weekend, and I am attempting to keep that mindset going... I have noticed I am starting to worry about lots of random things though. For some reason I have started worrying about what position bubba bump is in. I am pretty sure she is bum up head down, but I think she mainly lying along my right side. I'm not sure if she is posterior or not, I don't *think* so, but after going on Spinning Babies, I discover that baby being on the right side (ROA) isn't even ideal. And as it is, most of the things I could be doing to help bubba move into the ideal position, I should have been doing all through the pregnancy - so it feels like it would be too little too late anyway. I am trying to do all the right things as far as I know and remember... no slouching, sleeping on my left side, sitting on the fit ball, spending a bit of time on all fours, etc. I don't know why I'm getting myself so worked up worrying about it. I don't know for sure what position she is in, and I think she changes around a bit still anyway. Sometimes I can feel her bottom on the left, sometimes the right. Most of the time I have no idea what I'm feeling. I have an appointment with Anna this coming week, so I'll find out how she is lying then.

That is just one of my many worries. I have a few things to sort through before the birth. Friends who have had traumatic births when attempting natural/home births, and even though I know, logically, that that doesn't mean anything like that will happen to me... the thoughts and worries are still there. I need to sort through this stuff before the birth, so it's not going to impact on my birth.

There is so much to think about - so much still to do for the birth, but at the same time I don't want to get completely caught up in only focusing on the birth. I want to focus on bubba bump too, on our growing family, on this being my last pregnancy... so wanting to try to enjoy these last few weeks. No wonder my mind is a jumbled mess most of the time!

Anyway... here is my belly pic for this week, and to me it looks like my belly has shrunk! I'm wondering if maybe my belly has dropped or something? I don't know, bubba doesn't really feel like she is very low.

Only another 5 (or more, or less) weeks to go! The little man has already put his guess in as July 27th... I guess we'll see!

34 weeks - so emotional

I am all over the place... At the moment I feel down, confused, annoyed at myself and everyone around me.

We had my MIL stay over the weekend, and she didn't do anything different to normal (and normally we get along really well), but I found everything she did and said annoying. Just her presence here annoyed me I think. Maybe I have a problem with her invading my home and space when I'm in that nesting/preparing for baby stage? I got home after going out shopping yesterday morning to discover that she and the little miss had gone out - I struggled (quietly) with that... I felt like she had taken my baby away. I was so relieved when they got home and I saw the little miss.

I am annoyed at hubby, and I'm not exactly sure why. He is pulling his weight a lot more... I think I just feel really disconnected from him - like we're living entirely different lives. I feel like I'm the only one preparing for or getting excited about bubba bump. But logically I know this isn't true, and if I just talked to him about it he would most likely tell me otherwise. We need to talk more, and spend less time with our noses buried in our phones...  but at the moment I am too emotional to make any sense anyway. I just want to cry for no real reason.

I am annoyed at myself because I really want to enjoy being pregnant, seeing as this is most likely the last time - but I am spending all this time in this stupid sad/emotional/annoyed state. I want to be calm. I want to be zen. I want to be radiating love and savouring every last moment of this pregnancy. It would be different if I had a reason for feeling this way, but I don't,  I don't think. I'm just so frustrated with myself!

I went to yoga again and I still love it. I wish I could make more of it stick in my head to practise at home. The couples workshop hubby and I are going to is this coming Saturday, so I'll be sure to share how that went.

Also coming up, my maternity photo shoot (also this Saturday). I'm looking forward to that, but also pretty nervous - I just hope we get some beautiful photos out of it and I don't look too fat.

I can't believe I'm 34 weeks already. The end really feels like it is approaching - weeks are going by so quickly. We are almost all set for bubba - we just need to set up the bassinet, organise the car seat, and get a couple of minor things. We have more we need to do for the actual birth - most of which I'm not sure about and will be asking Anna all about at my appointment next week.
I have been doing lots of mental preparation for the birth. Reading Ina May and watching videos, etc. I have been showing videos to the kids too, hoping it will help prepare them too.

All of the above was written last night, and I have to say I am feeling much better today - much more myself. Maybe I was just tired? Or you know, maybe I was just being emotional and pregnant, which I guess if allowed from time to time.

I woke up feeling much better, much happier, much more patient and less annoyed at everyone and everything. Maybe it being a week day and having the house back to myself, and a bit of routine to my day has helped. Anyway - I have been busy doing housework and cooking, and I feel better overall.

I still feel like I need to talk to hubby. I need to see where he is on bringing this baby into the world. He is not a talker that one, so I have no idea how he feels about any of it! Is he happy? Scared? Overwhelmed? Or is he barely thinking about it? I have baby names to discuss with him. There's so much going through my head, but I never feel like there is a good time to talk to him. I guess we don't talk about serious stuff very often (other than about the kids obviously), so I work myself up into a state.

Another thing I am thinking a lot about is the birth, and you know I am really really missing having a certain couple of friends close by. Last time I had my own little natural birth/VBACcheersquad, but they have both moved far away... so we can't just sit down and talk birth over a cuppa like we did when I was pregnant with the little miss... And I really miss that. I really need that! All the friends I have around now went to the hospital and an obstetrician, and I feel like I can't talk to them about all that stuff.
I am finding it hard to really get into that mindset of believing in myself. I am reading the birth stories in Ina May at the moment, and they're just not doing it for me like they did last time. Even when I watch birth videos, I get caught up in the emotion of it, but I don't find it empowering me into believing I can do it. Why is that? I've done it before, so I know I can do it - but for some reason I still doubt myself. Maybe last time was a fluke - I only coped so well because it was so long and drawn out (and therefore, not as intense), and maybe last time I had that passion and drive to get my VBAC. I don't know what it is - but I hope I can talk myself around over the next few weeks.

Below is this week's belly pic... with a little visitor hiding haha! I can't believe I still have six weeks of growing to do!

33 weeks 2 days

Apparently bubba weighs around 2kg now! No wonder I'm feeling so heavy now. 2kg of baby + placenta + fluid, etc all out in front. I'm feeling it too - getting up and down from the floor, a chair, the couch, bed, is all becoming so very, very difficult. I can't believe I still have another seven weeks of this.

The past week has mostly been good. It started off not so good, but has had a big turn around. A big part of that is that after having a bit of a talk with hubby about him needing to pull his weight more, etc, he actually is! He is getting up with the kids most mornings, allowing me to catch an extra half an hour to an hour sleep. It has made a huge amount of difference with how I'm feeling, emotionally and physically. I still get sore and tired from lugging this baby around, but I don't feel exhausted to the point of tears as often. It has helped me feel a bit better about how things will go when baby arrives - that he actually will help more. Fingers crossed he keeps it up - I need him to!

I went to yoga again on Sunday, and it was so lovely. I am really enjoying it, probably even more now that I so much closer to the birth. When she talks about things in relation to the birth, I can really picture it and find it useful because it is so much closer now.
The yoga instructor (who is also a doula) is running a couples workshop, not this weekend but next, which I have put us down for. It sounds really good - all about positions and natural pain relief, etc in labour, and what the partners can do to help, etc. I think hubby will get a lot out of it, and hopefully it will make a lot of difference for my birth with bubba bump. He'll be more clued in, I'll be more clued in, and hopefully the whole experience can be an awesome one!

And speaking of all that stuff, I had a midwife appointment yesterday. This time it was with my secondary midwife that I hadn't met yet. She seemed really lovely, and just as passionate about natural birth as Anna. We talked (well I talked haha) about my birth with the little man, and my birth with the little miss, how I came to want to birth through independent midwives and steer clear of the hospital if I can. It was a lovely chat (though I felt like I talked too much), and I think between her and Anna I will feel very safe and cared for.
She did all the usual checks, and everything is going well. I have to admit, in the lead up to the appointment, I did find myself stressing about my blood pressure. I think mine sits on the higher end of normal in pregnancy, and there is always the worry in the back of my mind that it will jump up and it will become a problem and I'll have to go the hospital. I'm more at peace with this idea than I was when I was pregnant with the little miss, but I'd still prefer to avoid it!
Bubba bump is happy and healthy in there - head down and wriggling away.

I have spent more time thinking and reading and watching things for this birth over the past week too. I'm finally getting into that mindset for the birth, slowly. There is still a lot more reading and mental preparation, but I'm feeling pretty good about things.

I finally had my belly pic for the week taken. Hubby took a photo for me on Monday, but the lighting was all wrong - it was too bright and there were too many shadows. We had another attempt this morning though and it turned out fine. So, here I am at 33 weeks 2 days.

32 weeks... a crappy week, nesting and birth preparation!

I missed 31 weeks, and it's probably not a bad thing. I had a crappy, tired, depressing week. Anything I'd written would have been terribly depressing I imagine. I'm not sure why I had such a bad week. I think the previous busy weeks and late nights had finally caught up with me, and I felt completely and utterly exhausted. I was grumpy - grumpy at hubby, grumpy at the kids, grumpy at myself for not doing pregnancy the way I had wanted to. But then one morning I kicked hubby out of bed and had a sleep in. And I started going to bed earlier. Then I had another sleep in over the weekend. The kids have been waking up a little later (6.30am instead of their usual 5-5.30am). That extra bit of rest made all the difference, and now I am feeling pretty good again. Actually, I have quite a bit of energy - and I have been madly nesting for many, many days!

I have definitely been nesting. I remember getting this way in my past pregnancies - all of a sudden I had to get things ready right now! Last week we bought a tallboy to have in our bedroom to store the baby clothes in. Once I had that I washed the baby clothes I have (not many) and put them away in the new drawers.

So, now bubba has some clothes waiting for when he/she decides to arrive. I did realise after going through all those clothes that I have no socks or wraps for bubba... so I went shopping today.

A wrap for bubba, four pairs of socks, a top and three girly suits (that will obviously only be used if bubba is a girl haha). I still need a couple of things, but at least now I have the basics covered.

Apart from getting things ready for bubba, I have found myself sorting through cupboards and drawers, organising things, getting rid of junk, donating bits and pieces. Also, I have been doing a bit of cleaning here and there too. Overall, just getting on top of all the things around the house that have been bothering me. I have a to-do list for hubby, which I am hoping he will work his way through over the coming weeks. I feel much, much better for having done all of this too. A hundred times better. We'll pull the bassinet out in the coming weeks - that will really make this feel real!

I am sort of starting to try and get into the mindset to prepare myself for the birth. I have made a (very small) dent in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I'm planning to re-watch The Business of Being Born and The Face of Birth soon too. I finally made it to yoga again yesterday, and it was awesome! All the stuff she is talking about makes so much more sense now, and I really feel like I can apply it to my birth. She also is talking about having a couples workshop in the coming weeks, which I have put my name down for. I'm starting to get excited about the birth (just a little), and being that it will likely be a water birth, I want to look into that too. I want to start reading more and talking more with the kids about it - really prepare them, as they may be around. It's exciting - we get to meet this bubba soon!

I really need to stop with junky eating, start (properly) on all my teas, go for more walks/swims and keep up with yoga. I think I will feel better mentally as a result too. I have gained so much weight... but I am trying not to think about that too much.

Here I am - 32 weeks. It's not half obvious I hate having my photo taken...