We had my MIL stay over the weekend, and she didn't do anything different to normal (and normally we get along really well), but I found everything she did and said annoying. Just her presence here annoyed me I think. Maybe I have a problem with her invading my home and space when I'm in that nesting/preparing for baby stage? I got home after going out shopping yesterday morning to discover that she and the little miss had gone out - I struggled (quietly) with that... I felt like she had taken my baby away. I was so relieved when they got home and I saw the little miss.
I am annoyed at hubby, and I'm not exactly sure why. He is pulling his weight a lot more... I think I just feel really disconnected from him - like we're living entirely different lives. I feel like I'm the only one preparing for or getting excited about bubba bump. But logically I know this isn't true, and if I just talked to him about it he would most likely tell me otherwise. We need to talk more, and spend less time with our noses buried in our phones... but at the moment I am too emotional to make any sense anyway. I just want to cry for no real reason.
I am annoyed at myself because I really want to enjoy being pregnant, seeing as this is most likely the last time - but I am spending all this time in this stupid sad/emotional/annoyed state. I want to be calm. I want to be zen. I want to be radiating love and savouring every last moment of this pregnancy. It would be different if I had a reason for feeling this way, but I don't, I don't think. I'm just so frustrated with myself!
I went to yoga again and I still love it. I wish I could make more of it stick in my head to practise at home. The couples workshop hubby and I are going to is this coming Saturday, so I'll be sure to share how that went.
Also coming up, my maternity photo shoot (also this Saturday). I'm looking forward to that, but also pretty nervous - I just hope we get some beautiful photos out of it and I don't look too fat.
I can't believe I'm 34 weeks already. The end really feels like it is approaching - weeks are going by so quickly. We are almost all set for bubba - we just need to set up the bassinet, organise the car seat, and get a couple of minor things. We have more we need to do for the actual birth - most of which I'm not sure about and will be asking Anna all about at my appointment next week.
I have been doing lots of mental preparation for the birth. Reading Ina May and watching videos, etc. I have been showing videos to the kids too, hoping it will help prepare them too.
All of the above was written last night, and I have to say I am feeling much better today - much more myself. Maybe I was just tired? Or you know, maybe I was just being emotional and pregnant, which I guess if allowed from time to time.
I woke up feeling much better, much happier, much more patient and less annoyed at everyone and everything. Maybe it being a week day and having the house back to myself, and a bit of routine to my day has helped. Anyway - I have been busy doing housework and cooking, and I feel better overall.
I still feel like I need to talk to hubby. I need to see where he is on bringing this baby into the world. He is not a talker that one, so I have no idea how he feels about any of it! Is he happy? Scared? Overwhelmed? Or is he barely thinking about it? I have baby names to discuss with him. There's so much going through my head, but I never feel like there is a good time to talk to him. I guess we don't talk about serious stuff very often (other than about the kids obviously), so I work myself up into a state.
Another thing I am thinking a lot about is the birth, and you know I am really really missing having a certain couple of friends close by. Last time I had my own little natural birth/VBACcheersquad, but they have both moved far away... so we can't just sit down and talk birth over a cuppa like we did when I was pregnant with the little miss... And I really miss that. I really need that! All the friends I have around now went to the hospital and an obstetrician, and I feel like I can't talk to them about all that stuff.
I am finding it hard to really get into that mindset of believing in myself. I am reading the birth stories in Ina May at the moment, and they're just not doing it for me like they did last time. Even when I watch birth videos, I get caught up in the emotion of it, but I don't find it empowering me into believing I can do it. Why is that? I've done it before, so I know I can do it - but for some reason I still doubt myself. Maybe last time was a fluke - I only coped so well because it was so long and drawn out (and therefore, not as intense), and maybe last time I had that passion and drive to get my VBAC. I don't know what it is - but I hope I can talk myself around over the next few weeks.
Below is this week's belly pic... with a little visitor hiding haha! I can't believe I still have six weeks of growing to do!
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