36 weeks

36 weeks - far out! Seeing that is scary - it's all getting so close now. Next week I'll be considered 'full-term'! I just can't quite get my head around how quickly this has all gone - it definitely gets quicker each pregnancy! I remember with the little man's pregnancy, everything just dragged and dragged. Even with the little miss it did a bit too. This time, it has mostly flown. I guess I'm busier with the kidlets, but I also feel like my mindset about the whole thing has changed... for the most part I'm more patient than I was in my previous pregnancies, and more accepting of how pregnancy works. It takes a long time... if I focus on it constantly it will drag on forever, so I just get on with my life. However, having said all that, I'm sure over the next few weeks I will find myself just getting over it and not being quite so patient. The end of pregnancy sucks. I'm not quite to the point of being completely over it - but it will happen, I have no doubt!

I guess I don't have much to update this week because I did a pretty big blog post over the weekend. I already mentioned that I saw my lovely midwife last week, and that everything was good. My blood pressure is behaving itself thankfully - that is something that I do worry about a bit, because it was definitely creeping up in my pregnancy with the little miss. But it seems to be staying put this time, so fingers crossed it can continue to do so. Bubba was head down, partially engaged and on the right at my appointment... but I think that was changed. I often have a feel for bubba's bottom, and that has been swapping from right to left to centre... and I think she popped out of being engaged, but has maybe dropped down again? Well, that's what I suspect with the amount of bladder pressure and pelvic discomfort I had walking the kids to school this morning! I do worry a bit about bubba getting into the best position - but then I figure, the little miss wasn't in the best position to begin with... I had my labour muck around for 24 hours while she got herself into a good position - then all was fine. There's only so much I can do anyway, and ultimately bubba will be in whatever position she wants to be! She is head down - that is better than breech or transverse! And she has plenty of time to wriggle into the best position for birth - even if it doesn't happen until labour begins!

Reading for the birth is coming along, but slowly. I finished Ina May, now I have moved onto a water birth book. I really want to get that one read so I can start on the one a friend sent down that a few friends have highly recommended.

What else? Probably not a great deal to mention... this is the last week of school before holidays, so I only have today, tomorrow and the following day of just the little miss at home... then we move onto both kidlets home all the time and my mum going back to full time work. I've been trying to think of activities to take them too that don't involve too much physical exertion and wrangling on my behalf. I am also hoping to arrange plenty of play dates with friends - both to amuse the kidlets and for me to keep my sanity!
And in amongst that, I will be needing to get the last minute things organised for bubba, and for the birth! I am looking forward to the birth pool being delivered here!

Anyway, that's enough for today. Here is this week's belly pic. I wonder how much growing I'll do over the next few weeks?

One month till my due date!!!

Today is the 28th of June, which means I am now one month (30 days) from my due date with my not-so little bubba bump.

Here is a photo I took through the week - so much belly there! I wonder how much bigger I'll get in the coming weeks!? I do love my belly though, and already I am feeling sad at the prospect of never having a big, round pregnant belly again. Every time I walk by a mirror or see my reflection in a window, my eyes are drawn to my belly. I'll admit, I admire it. I spend quiet moments at home rubbing it and appreciating it's shape. I really think this is our last bubba though, so I want to spend as much time enjoying my belly while I still have it. I really want to finish paying off our photographer so I can the see the rest of my maternity photos!

But, as much as I love my belly... I do also find myself looking forward to having my body back to myself. I am getting to that stage in pregnancy where it is quite hard to get comfortable. I am so aware of not slouching and trying to encourage bubba into a good position, that I can't just fall back into the couch. I sit on the fit ball or right on the edge of chairs, leaning forward. When I get sick of that, I try lying on my left side, but even that gets uncomfortable. I'm starting to wake through the night (usually around 3.30am) and not being able to get back to sleep, mostly because I can't get comfortable. If I do too much in a day I end up feeling absolutely wrecked and hobble around like an old woman. I had a big cleaning/nesting surge earlier in the week where I spent almost the entire day on my feet cleaning, and by evening my back was very sore and I couldn't walk properly. Luckily I was fine again by the next day. My bodily limitations can certainly be frustrating, and I am looking forward to being able to collapse in a heap on the couch and lie however I want in bed again. Oh, and I'm looking forward to not having a baby bottom pushing up on my ribs!

Mentally/emotionally I am feeling okay at the moment. I am definitely in preparation-mode for the birth. I have picked up the pace with my reading and am watching a few videos. I, without consciously intending to, spend a lot of time visualising myself in labour... Visualising myself trying different positions, breathing, concentrating, relaxing between contractions. I'm having more trouble visualising the pushing stage. I hope to feel a bit more in control of that stage this time. Last time I wasn't really aware of what was happening - I don't know if it was because I was tired from labouring so long, or if I just don't feel that baby moving down sensation that I always hear about. I also had my midwives instructing with pushing - I'd love it this time if I was able to feel when to push and let the baby slide out. I guess with the little miss, she really needed me to push her out because she had a hand up by her face. Hopefully bubba bump doesn't do that! It is quite likely this bubba will be born in water - I'd love to be the one to 'catch' bubba. But I guess we will see!

I would really like to spend more time quietly visualising and meditating... I love the stuff we do in my yoga class - but in day-to-day life there isn't a great deal of 'quiet time'. It is something I'm hoping to do more of in the coming weeks though.

Speaking of things I'd like to do in the coming weeks... I am going to try doing all those things I have been meaning to do. I need to be more consistent with my iron supplement (I'm taking Floradix) - I am supposed to take it twice a day, but I always forget my evening dose. I also need to be consistent with raspberry leaf tea. I want to make sure I'm having two cups a day, building up over the next few weeks. And I just need to be eating better - consistently. I have a few good days, then a few really bad days. I need to keep up with my vegies/fruit, meat, calcium. I want to start eating more dates, just in case that study about eating more dates and not going over your due date is true... It can't hurt anyway! I should be walking every day, but honestly this time of year it is not going to happen. It is dark and wet and freezing cold most of the time, and with school holidays coming up, I'm not going to have many opportunities to get out without the kids. I will attempt to get some walking in though... as well as yoga every Sunday. Some of the yoga stuff I find myself doing at home, but it's mostly positions and breathing in preparation for labour and birth.

Mostly I just want to stop with the bad habits and give bubba a good start... probably too little too late really, but it's got to be better than not trying.

Oh yes, so I was talking about feeling okay mentally/emotionally. I have been doing a lot of thinking about the birth, about what I want, fears I have, beliefs I have, etc. To be honest, I have had my moments of worry and panic. As I think I've mentioned, I have had two close friends have some pretty traumatic birth experiences - and this was outside of the hospital system. I had wondered if it would play on my mind, and it has a bit. I was finding myself feeling really worried about what could go wrong, and not feeling inspired and empowered from all those awesome birth stories in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I mentioned it to my midwife at my appointment this week too. But I think I am slowly getting my head around it all. I have no indicators of anything going wrong... my blood pressure is behaving itself, my wee tests always come back fine, baby is growing really well. I want to give my baby the best opportunity to choose his/her own birthday, and to be given the chance to have as natural a birth as possible with all those awesome hormones, etc, for bubba and me. I have done enough reading over the years to know that a natural, drug-free, vaginal birth is the best and safest option in most cases. Plus, I want that high... that amazing high you get after giving birth without drugs. I want to give myself over to it, you know? And I know the only real way for me to have any of this, is to avoid the hospital. The VBAC thing barely even feels like an issue to me anyway, but to the hospital it would mean not being allowed to go past my due date, being on the electronic fetal monitors (probably constantly), being stuck to a bed and not able to move freely, being on a time limit, not feeling comfortable... and all this to probably end up with another caesarean or an assisted delivery... I don't want any of that! Sure, if there is a reason, an emergency, I will go willingly to a hospital, because I will know that is necessary. But I would hate to not even be given the chance for a natural birth. So, in that way, I feel safe and secure in my decision to be going through an independent midwife and having a home birth. The hospital doesn't feel right for me... If it becomes necessary - then that is just what will happen - but at least this way I am giving my baby the opportunity for the best start in life. I am reminded of my conversations with one of my friends who had a traumatic birth experience. Talking to her in the hospital after she had an emergency caesarean which also resulted in her having a partial hysterectomy... we were talking about whether going the birth centre route had been the right choice. But I reminded her, by going that way, she was able to go into labour on her own when her baby was ready. She was able to labour (she got to fully dilated, but nothing happened when she tried pushing), which meant she and the baby got all those awesome hormones flowing, which hopefully will help with bonding, etc. She had at least tried to have her VBA2C, and would have forever regretted it if she hadn't tried. We talked about the scenario that would have likely happened if she had gone the hospital route instead. Despite her traumatic birth, she ultimately felt she had made the right decision to go through an independent midwife and birth centre.

I think I would be the same - if something went wrong and I had to transfer and ended up with another caesarean, I think I would at least feel satisfied that I had given it a good go. My midwife is awesome, I completely trust her - if she thinks we need to transfer, it will be because we need to transfer. But most people don't transfer - and more than likely, I will have a natural, safe birth.

So, I have had all of that going through my head over and over - as well as texting with the other friend who had the traumatic birth... I think I am getting to a point of acceptance. That slight fear will always be there, but I think there is always an element of fear with the amount of horror stories you hear these days - but I really feel I have weighed everything up fully, and have made the right decision for me. I don't feel like that fear is going to get in my way now, if that makes sense? I have accepted it, and moved on.

Another thing that has helped with this is seeing my amazing midwife this past week. It had been a long time since I'd seen her (28 weeks was the last time), and I had really missed her. She has a wonderful way of putting me at ease, and I left her feeling really confident and excited about the birth.

Aside from thinking about the birth (a lot), I am trying to not forget that there will actually be a baby at the end of all this! I am trying to remember to enjoy these last weeks with my two kidlets, spending time just being with them, before all our lives change forever. It's such a strange place to be in - this preparing for the birth of a new baby. I feel like I really need to go into myself, but at the same time I want and need to be there for my two kidlets. I want to spend quiet moments alone with just the baby growing in my belly, but I also want to prepare the kidlets as best I can and have them feel just as involved with the baby. I'm wanting to enjoy these last weeks as a family of four, while also dreaming about what life will be like with a newborn. I read an article the other day that someone posted in my belly buddy group... here is a quote from it that describes this feeling perfectly:

The last days of pregnancy— sometimes stretching to agonizing weeks—are a distinct place, time, event, stage. It is a time of in between. Neither here nor there. Your old self and your new self, balanced on the edge of a pregnancy. One foot in your old world, one foot in a new world.

- See more at: http://www.mothering.com/articles/the-last-days-of-pregnancy-a-place-of-in-between/#sthash.pq0vxvgG.dpuf

So there we are! I have a lot going through my mind right now obviously. I feel close to the end, but not... In some ways I don't want to focus on time at all, just ignore being pregnant and get on with life, so that time will pass more quickly. But then I also want to try and enjoy these last weeks of what will most likely be my last pregnancy. Expect a lot more blog posts from me over the next few weeks - I suspect I will be needing to get a lot of thoughts out of my head!

35 weeks - 35 days to go!

Well, that's what one of my pregnancy apps tells me. 5 weeks/35 days till my due date. When you put it like that, it seems so very, very close!!!

We had a big weekend this weekend, with lots of pregnancy/birth/baby related stuff.

On Saturday morning I was pampered and made up - I had my hair curled and some professional make up done (including fake lashes!)... then we piled everyone into the car and drove out to Hollybank to have my maternity photos done.

The weather was pretty touch and go, but luckily the rain stayed away and we were able to have our photos done. We had some family photos done, some of just the kids, some of just hubby and me. Then later we did some artsy shots with me draped in various fabrics... which meant I spent some time in the forest in nothing by my underwear and some sheer fabric! Not what you'd expect in Tassie in the middle if winter. I've been pretty nervous about how the photos would come out - being self conscious of how much weight I've gained this pregnancy... but last night my photographer put a sneak peek up on Facebook, and I *think* I'm happy with it. I am - I just wish I looked nicer in the face.

I'm not sure how to save it/share it here, so I will leave it for now.

Straight from our photo shoot in the forest, we drove back into town - swapped cars with my mum and left the kids with her... then hubby and I went straight to our couples birthing workshop thing. It was really good. I can't say that I learnt a lot of new things... between all my reading and already going to her yoga class once a week, I had heard most of it before... but for hubby's benefit, it was awesome. There was a lot of really practical advice - massage, natural pain relief, what to do/not do for the woman in labour, etc. I'm hoping it will help hubby feel a bit more confident and in control as a birth support this time round. The workshop was also really wonderful for getting hubby and I talking about the upcoming birth, what we want from it, unpacking previous births, etc. It helped us to connect with each other, and open up about a few things... We both get so caught up in the bustle of everyday life, that we often forget to check in with each other, take a moment to just be with each other, you know? Anyway, it was a really good afternoon - lots of personal growth stuff for both of us.

Sunday afternoon I had my usual yoga class too, and that was pretty good. I can really see how the techniques and positions learnt in the class will be amazingly beneficial in labour.

So I have had a pretty positive weekend, and I am attempting to keep that mindset going... I have noticed I am starting to worry about lots of random things though. For some reason I have started worrying about what position bubba bump is in. I am pretty sure she is bum up head down, but I think she mainly lying along my right side. I'm not sure if she is posterior or not, I don't *think* so, but after going on Spinning Babies, I discover that baby being on the right side (ROA) isn't even ideal. And as it is, most of the things I could be doing to help bubba move into the ideal position, I should have been doing all through the pregnancy - so it feels like it would be too little too late anyway. I am trying to do all the right things as far as I know and remember... no slouching, sleeping on my left side, sitting on the fit ball, spending a bit of time on all fours, etc. I don't know why I'm getting myself so worked up worrying about it. I don't know for sure what position she is in, and I think she changes around a bit still anyway. Sometimes I can feel her bottom on the left, sometimes the right. Most of the time I have no idea what I'm feeling. I have an appointment with Anna this coming week, so I'll find out how she is lying then.

That is just one of my many worries. I have a few things to sort through before the birth. Friends who have had traumatic births when attempting natural/home births, and even though I know, logically, that that doesn't mean anything like that will happen to me... the thoughts and worries are still there. I need to sort through this stuff before the birth, so it's not going to impact on my birth.

There is so much to think about - so much still to do for the birth, but at the same time I don't want to get completely caught up in only focusing on the birth. I want to focus on bubba bump too, on our growing family, on this being my last pregnancy... so wanting to try to enjoy these last few weeks. No wonder my mind is a jumbled mess most of the time!

Anyway... here is my belly pic for this week, and to me it looks like my belly has shrunk! I'm wondering if maybe my belly has dropped or something? I don't know, bubba doesn't really feel like she is very low.

Only another 5 (or more, or less) weeks to go! The little man has already put his guess in as July 27th... I guess we'll see!

34 weeks - so emotional

I am all over the place... At the moment I feel down, confused, annoyed at myself and everyone around me.

We had my MIL stay over the weekend, and she didn't do anything different to normal (and normally we get along really well), but I found everything she did and said annoying. Just her presence here annoyed me I think. Maybe I have a problem with her invading my home and space when I'm in that nesting/preparing for baby stage? I got home after going out shopping yesterday morning to discover that she and the little miss had gone out - I struggled (quietly) with that... I felt like she had taken my baby away. I was so relieved when they got home and I saw the little miss.

I am annoyed at hubby, and I'm not exactly sure why. He is pulling his weight a lot more... I think I just feel really disconnected from him - like we're living entirely different lives. I feel like I'm the only one preparing for or getting excited about bubba bump. But logically I know this isn't true, and if I just talked to him about it he would most likely tell me otherwise. We need to talk more, and spend less time with our noses buried in our phones...  but at the moment I am too emotional to make any sense anyway. I just want to cry for no real reason.

I am annoyed at myself because I really want to enjoy being pregnant, seeing as this is most likely the last time - but I am spending all this time in this stupid sad/emotional/annoyed state. I want to be calm. I want to be zen. I want to be radiating love and savouring every last moment of this pregnancy. It would be different if I had a reason for feeling this way, but I don't,  I don't think. I'm just so frustrated with myself!

I went to yoga again and I still love it. I wish I could make more of it stick in my head to practise at home. The couples workshop hubby and I are going to is this coming Saturday, so I'll be sure to share how that went.

Also coming up, my maternity photo shoot (also this Saturday). I'm looking forward to that, but also pretty nervous - I just hope we get some beautiful photos out of it and I don't look too fat.

I can't believe I'm 34 weeks already. The end really feels like it is approaching - weeks are going by so quickly. We are almost all set for bubba - we just need to set up the bassinet, organise the car seat, and get a couple of minor things. We have more we need to do for the actual birth - most of which I'm not sure about and will be asking Anna all about at my appointment next week.
I have been doing lots of mental preparation for the birth. Reading Ina May and watching videos, etc. I have been showing videos to the kids too, hoping it will help prepare them too.

All of the above was written last night, and I have to say I am feeling much better today - much more myself. Maybe I was just tired? Or you know, maybe I was just being emotional and pregnant, which I guess if allowed from time to time.

I woke up feeling much better, much happier, much more patient and less annoyed at everyone and everything. Maybe it being a week day and having the house back to myself, and a bit of routine to my day has helped. Anyway - I have been busy doing housework and cooking, and I feel better overall.

I still feel like I need to talk to hubby. I need to see where he is on bringing this baby into the world. He is not a talker that one, so I have no idea how he feels about any of it! Is he happy? Scared? Overwhelmed? Or is he barely thinking about it? I have baby names to discuss with him. There's so much going through my head, but I never feel like there is a good time to talk to him. I guess we don't talk about serious stuff very often (other than about the kids obviously), so I work myself up into a state.

Another thing I am thinking a lot about is the birth, and you know I am really really missing having a certain couple of friends close by. Last time I had my own little natural birth/VBACcheersquad, but they have both moved far away... so we can't just sit down and talk birth over a cuppa like we did when I was pregnant with the little miss... And I really miss that. I really need that! All the friends I have around now went to the hospital and an obstetrician, and I feel like I can't talk to them about all that stuff.
I am finding it hard to really get into that mindset of believing in myself. I am reading the birth stories in Ina May at the moment, and they're just not doing it for me like they did last time. Even when I watch birth videos, I get caught up in the emotion of it, but I don't find it empowering me into believing I can do it. Why is that? I've done it before, so I know I can do it - but for some reason I still doubt myself. Maybe last time was a fluke - I only coped so well because it was so long and drawn out (and therefore, not as intense), and maybe last time I had that passion and drive to get my VBAC. I don't know what it is - but I hope I can talk myself around over the next few weeks.

Below is this week's belly pic... with a little visitor hiding haha! I can't believe I still have six weeks of growing to do!

33 weeks 2 days

Apparently bubba weighs around 2kg now! No wonder I'm feeling so heavy now. 2kg of baby + placenta + fluid, etc all out in front. I'm feeling it too - getting up and down from the floor, a chair, the couch, bed, is all becoming so very, very difficult. I can't believe I still have another seven weeks of this.

The past week has mostly been good. It started off not so good, but has had a big turn around. A big part of that is that after having a bit of a talk with hubby about him needing to pull his weight more, etc, he actually is! He is getting up with the kids most mornings, allowing me to catch an extra half an hour to an hour sleep. It has made a huge amount of difference with how I'm feeling, emotionally and physically. I still get sore and tired from lugging this baby around, but I don't feel exhausted to the point of tears as often. It has helped me feel a bit better about how things will go when baby arrives - that he actually will help more. Fingers crossed he keeps it up - I need him to!

I went to yoga again on Sunday, and it was so lovely. I am really enjoying it, probably even more now that I so much closer to the birth. When she talks about things in relation to the birth, I can really picture it and find it useful because it is so much closer now.
The yoga instructor (who is also a doula) is running a couples workshop, not this weekend but next, which I have put us down for. It sounds really good - all about positions and natural pain relief, etc in labour, and what the partners can do to help, etc. I think hubby will get a lot out of it, and hopefully it will make a lot of difference for my birth with bubba bump. He'll be more clued in, I'll be more clued in, and hopefully the whole experience can be an awesome one!

And speaking of all that stuff, I had a midwife appointment yesterday. This time it was with my secondary midwife that I hadn't met yet. She seemed really lovely, and just as passionate about natural birth as Anna. We talked (well I talked haha) about my birth with the little man, and my birth with the little miss, how I came to want to birth through independent midwives and steer clear of the hospital if I can. It was a lovely chat (though I felt like I talked too much), and I think between her and Anna I will feel very safe and cared for.
She did all the usual checks, and everything is going well. I have to admit, in the lead up to the appointment, I did find myself stressing about my blood pressure. I think mine sits on the higher end of normal in pregnancy, and there is always the worry in the back of my mind that it will jump up and it will become a problem and I'll have to go the hospital. I'm more at peace with this idea than I was when I was pregnant with the little miss, but I'd still prefer to avoid it!
Bubba bump is happy and healthy in there - head down and wriggling away.

I have spent more time thinking and reading and watching things for this birth over the past week too. I'm finally getting into that mindset for the birth, slowly. There is still a lot more reading and mental preparation, but I'm feeling pretty good about things.

I finally had my belly pic for the week taken. Hubby took a photo for me on Monday, but the lighting was all wrong - it was too bright and there were too many shadows. We had another attempt this morning though and it turned out fine. So, here I am at 33 weeks 2 days.

32 weeks... a crappy week, nesting and birth preparation!

I missed 31 weeks, and it's probably not a bad thing. I had a crappy, tired, depressing week. Anything I'd written would have been terribly depressing I imagine. I'm not sure why I had such a bad week. I think the previous busy weeks and late nights had finally caught up with me, and I felt completely and utterly exhausted. I was grumpy - grumpy at hubby, grumpy at the kids, grumpy at myself for not doing pregnancy the way I had wanted to. But then one morning I kicked hubby out of bed and had a sleep in. And I started going to bed earlier. Then I had another sleep in over the weekend. The kids have been waking up a little later (6.30am instead of their usual 5-5.30am). That extra bit of rest made all the difference, and now I am feeling pretty good again. Actually, I have quite a bit of energy - and I have been madly nesting for many, many days!

I have definitely been nesting. I remember getting this way in my past pregnancies - all of a sudden I had to get things ready right now! Last week we bought a tallboy to have in our bedroom to store the baby clothes in. Once I had that I washed the baby clothes I have (not many) and put them away in the new drawers.

So, now bubba has some clothes waiting for when he/she decides to arrive. I did realise after going through all those clothes that I have no socks or wraps for bubba... so I went shopping today.

A wrap for bubba, four pairs of socks, a top and three girly suits (that will obviously only be used if bubba is a girl haha). I still need a couple of things, but at least now I have the basics covered.

Apart from getting things ready for bubba, I have found myself sorting through cupboards and drawers, organising things, getting rid of junk, donating bits and pieces. Also, I have been doing a bit of cleaning here and there too. Overall, just getting on top of all the things around the house that have been bothering me. I have a to-do list for hubby, which I am hoping he will work his way through over the coming weeks. I feel much, much better for having done all of this too. A hundred times better. We'll pull the bassinet out in the coming weeks - that will really make this feel real!

I am sort of starting to try and get into the mindset to prepare myself for the birth. I have made a (very small) dent in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I'm planning to re-watch The Business of Being Born and The Face of Birth soon too. I finally made it to yoga again yesterday, and it was awesome! All the stuff she is talking about makes so much more sense now, and I really feel like I can apply it to my birth. She also is talking about having a couples workshop in the coming weeks, which I have put my name down for. I'm starting to get excited about the birth (just a little), and being that it will likely be a water birth, I want to look into that too. I want to start reading more and talking more with the kids about it - really prepare them, as they may be around. It's exciting - we get to meet this bubba soon!

I really need to stop with junky eating, start (properly) on all my teas, go for more walks/swims and keep up with yoga. I think I will feel better mentally as a result too. I have gained so much weight... but I am trying not to think about that too much.

Here I am - 32 weeks. It's not half obvious I hate having my photo taken...