Here is a photo I took through the week - so much belly there! I wonder how much bigger I'll get in the coming weeks!? I do love my belly though, and already I am feeling sad at the prospect of never having a big, round pregnant belly again. Every time I walk by a mirror or see my reflection in a window, my eyes are drawn to my belly. I'll admit, I admire it. I spend quiet moments at home rubbing it and appreciating it's shape. I really think this is our last bubba though, so I want to spend as much time enjoying my belly while I still have it. I really want to finish paying off our photographer so I can the see the rest of my maternity photos!
But, as much as I love my belly... I do also find myself looking forward to having my body back to myself. I am getting to that stage in pregnancy where it is quite hard to get comfortable. I am so aware of not slouching and trying to encourage bubba into a good position, that I can't just fall back into the couch. I sit on the fit ball or right on the edge of chairs, leaning forward. When I get sick of that, I try lying on my left side, but even that gets uncomfortable. I'm starting to wake through the night (usually around 3.30am) and not being able to get back to sleep, mostly because I can't get comfortable. If I do too much in a day I end up feeling absolutely wrecked and hobble around like an old woman. I had a big cleaning/nesting surge earlier in the week where I spent almost the entire day on my feet cleaning, and by evening my back was very sore and I couldn't walk properly. Luckily I was fine again by the next day. My bodily limitations can certainly be frustrating, and I am looking forward to being able to collapse in a heap on the couch and lie however I want in bed again. Oh, and I'm looking forward to not having a baby bottom pushing up on my ribs!
Mentally/emotionally I am feeling okay at the moment. I am definitely in preparation-mode for the birth. I have picked up the pace with my reading and am watching a few videos. I, without consciously intending to, spend a lot of time visualising myself in labour... Visualising myself trying different positions, breathing, concentrating, relaxing between contractions. I'm having more trouble visualising the pushing stage. I hope to feel a bit more in control of that stage this time. Last time I wasn't really aware of what was happening - I don't know if it was because I was tired from labouring so long, or if I just don't feel that baby moving down sensation that I always hear about. I also had my midwives instructing with pushing - I'd love it this time if I was able to feel when to push and let the baby slide out. I guess with the little miss, she really needed me to push her out because she had a hand up by her face. Hopefully bubba bump doesn't do that! It is quite likely this bubba will be born in water - I'd love to be the one to 'catch' bubba. But I guess we will see!
I would really like to spend more time quietly visualising and meditating... I love the stuff we do in my yoga class - but in day-to-day life there isn't a great deal of 'quiet time'. It is something I'm hoping to do more of in the coming weeks though.
Speaking of things I'd like to do in the coming weeks... I am going to try doing all those things I have been meaning to do. I need to be more consistent with my iron supplement (I'm taking Floradix) - I am supposed to take it twice a day, but I always forget my evening dose. I also need to be consistent with raspberry leaf tea. I want to make sure I'm having two cups a day, building up over the next few weeks. And I just need to be eating better - consistently. I have a few good days, then a few really bad days. I need to keep up with my vegies/fruit, meat, calcium. I want to start eating more dates, just in case that study about eating more dates and not going over your due date is true... It can't hurt anyway! I should be walking every day, but honestly this time of year it is not going to happen. It is dark and wet and freezing cold most of the time, and with school holidays coming up, I'm not going to have many opportunities to get out without the kids. I will attempt to get some walking in though... as well as yoga every Sunday. Some of the yoga stuff I find myself doing at home, but it's mostly positions and breathing in preparation for labour and birth.
Mostly I just want to stop with the bad habits and give bubba a good start... probably too little too late really, but it's got to be better than not trying.
Oh yes, so I was talking about feeling okay mentally/emotionally. I have been doing a lot of thinking about the birth, about what I want, fears I have, beliefs I have, etc. To be honest, I have had my moments of worry and panic. As I think I've mentioned, I have had two close friends have some pretty traumatic birth experiences - and this was outside of the hospital system. I had wondered if it would play on my mind, and it has a bit. I was finding myself feeling really worried about what could go wrong, and not feeling inspired and empowered from all those awesome birth stories in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I mentioned it to my midwife at my appointment this week too. But I think I am slowly getting my head around it all. I have no indicators of anything going wrong... my blood pressure is behaving itself, my wee tests always come back fine, baby is growing really well. I want to give my baby the best opportunity to choose his/her own birthday, and to be given the chance to have as natural a birth as possible with all those awesome hormones, etc, for bubba and me. I have done enough reading over the years to know that a natural, drug-free, vaginal birth is the best and safest option in most cases. Plus, I want that high... that amazing high you get after giving birth without drugs. I want to give myself over to it, you know? And I know the only real way for me to have any of this, is to avoid the hospital. The VBAC thing barely even feels like an issue to me anyway, but to the hospital it would mean not being allowed to go past my due date, being on the electronic fetal monitors (probably constantly), being stuck to a bed and not able to move freely, being on a time limit, not feeling comfortable... and all this to probably end up with another caesarean or an assisted delivery... I don't want any of that! Sure, if there is a reason, an emergency, I will go willingly to a hospital, because I will know that is necessary. But I would hate to not even be given the chance for a natural birth. So, in that way, I feel safe and secure in my decision to be going through an independent midwife and having a home birth. The hospital doesn't feel right for me... If it becomes necessary - then that is just what will happen - but at least this way I am giving my baby the opportunity for the best start in life. I am reminded of my conversations with one of my friends who had a traumatic birth experience. Talking to her in the hospital after she had an emergency caesarean which also resulted in her having a partial hysterectomy... we were talking about whether going the birth centre route had been the right choice. But I reminded her, by going that way, she was able to go into labour on her own when her baby was ready. She was able to labour (she got to fully dilated, but nothing happened when she tried pushing), which meant she and the baby got all those awesome hormones flowing, which hopefully will help with bonding, etc. She had at least tried to have her VBA2C, and would have forever regretted it if she hadn't tried. We talked about the scenario that would have likely happened if she had gone the hospital route instead. Despite her traumatic birth, she ultimately felt she had made the right decision to go through an independent midwife and birth centre.
I think I would be the same - if something went wrong and I had to transfer and ended up with another caesarean, I think I would at least feel satisfied that I had given it a good go. My midwife is awesome, I completely trust her - if she thinks we need to transfer, it will be because we need to transfer. But most people don't transfer - and more than likely, I will have a natural, safe birth.
So, I have had all of that going through my head over and over - as well as texting with the other friend who had the traumatic birth... I think I am getting to a point of acceptance. That slight fear will always be there, but I think there is always an element of fear with the amount of horror stories you hear these days - but I really feel I have weighed everything up fully, and have made the right decision for me. I don't feel like that fear is going to get in my way now, if that makes sense? I have accepted it, and moved on.
Another thing that has helped with this is seeing my amazing midwife this past week. It had been a long time since I'd seen her (28 weeks was the last time), and I had really missed her. She has a wonderful way of putting me at ease, and I left her feeling really confident and excited about the birth.
Aside from thinking about the birth (a lot), I am trying to not forget that there will actually be a baby at the end of all this! I am trying to remember to enjoy these last weeks with my two kidlets, spending time just being with them, before all our lives change forever. It's such a strange place to be in - this preparing for the birth of a new baby. I feel like I really need to go into myself, but at the same time I want and need to be there for my two kidlets. I want to spend quiet moments alone with just the baby growing in my belly, but I also want to prepare the kidlets as best I can and have them feel just as involved with the baby. I'm wanting to enjoy these last weeks as a family of four, while also dreaming about what life will be like with a newborn. I read an article the other day that someone posted in my belly buddy group... here is a quote from it that describes this feeling perfectly:
The last days of pregnancy— sometimes stretching to agonizing weeks—are a distinct place, time, event, stage. It is a time of in between. Neither here nor there. Your old self and your new self, balanced on the edge of a pregnancy. One foot in your old world, one foot in a new world.
So there we are! I have a lot going through my mind right now obviously. I feel close to the end, but not... In some ways I don't want to focus on time at all, just ignore being pregnant and get on with life, so that time will pass more quickly. But then I also want to try and enjoy these last weeks of what will most likely be my last pregnancy. Expect a lot more blog posts from me over the next few weeks - I suspect I will be needing to get a lot of thoughts out of my head!
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