To my dear sweet baby

To my dear sweet baby,

It is 1.45am and I don't think your mumma is going to be getting much sleep tonight, because it looks like you may have decided the time has come to join us.

You had been wriggling around a lot in the evening, and it felt like maybe you were trying to bury yourself deeper and deeper. I was getting lots of tightening - painless at first, but as the evening/night has progressed, they are getting more and more intense and requiring more of my attention to get through.

I'm feeling a lot of things. I'm still feeling a bit in denial that this is actually happening. After waiting for you for so long, and anticipating when things would start, I can't believe you're actually starting to come. We could be in for a long ride yet, but this definitely feels like the start. I have been trying to sleep, to rest, because if you're anything like your sister, it could still be a day or two before you arrive... but sleep is pretty tricky when these rushes sneak up on me. I may attempt to go back to bed again soon - but first I wanted to spend some time with you my dear, sweet baby.

Even though we've been together this entire pregnancy, I still find it impossible to imagine you. I have tried, and I love imagining you snuggled on my chest, cupping you head in my hands and rocking you, singing to you, feeding you, watching your little chest rise and fall while you sleep... but you are also an abstract idea in my head for now. I can't wait to meet you little one.

Right now the house is dark. Your daddy and brother and sister are all fast asleep, and I am sitting here at the computer quietly typing while I listen to the heater blowing inside, and the wind blowing outside. It's so nice that we can have this time together before you come. It was really important to me - I always imagined being up with you through the night, breathing through the rushes, and savouring our last moments together as one. You've quietened down after being a big, big wriggle pot before! But it's good if you're sleeping - one of us should. I will try to sleep again soon.

I love you sweet baby. You are so loved already. Daddy was so excited when we first found out about you, and he loves feeling you move around inside me. He is just as eager for you to come as me. Your big brother is so excited to meet you. He has been wanting you to arrive for a while now. He will be such a good, caring, sweet big brother to you. He is incredibly patient and loving - I can just picture how gentle he will be with you, lying on the floor next to you and softly patting your smooth little head. You big sister is excited too - she often tells me how she "likes your baby in your tummy", and for a long time through this pregnancy, she insisted that she had a baby in her tummy too. Your big sister is unpredictable, but oh-so-fun and loving and affectionate if you catch her in the right mood.
And while I have spent a fair chunk of this pregnancy complaining, I am so happy you exist. I am so happy to have had this beautiful time with you growing and kicking about in my belly, and I am so happy and excited for you to join our little family. Two little ones just didn't quite seem like enough, but three seems perfect. You, my dear sweet baby, will complete our little family... and soon.

It is now 2.22am. These rushes are getting more and more intense. I wonder how long before you will join us? Will you be born July 30th? Or take your time like your big sister, and not arrive till July 31st? Probably not August... please not bubba!

I feel like there is more I should say to you sweet baby. Soon enough this labour will take hold completely and there won't be any space in my mind for this sort of thing. I hope you are happy in there, enjoying the warmth and darkness of my womb for the last time, resting in preparation. Soon we will meet face-to-face, chest to chest - and it will feel like you were always here, and always meant to be here.

I love you my dear sweet baby. See you soon.

The good (for a change)

It's so common for us (you know, women in general) to complain about being pregnant and especially about all the comments, etc we get from friends/family/strangers. Everyone has opinions when it comes to babies apparently.

I haven't experienced this too much this pregnancy... in fact, I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the absolute beauty and miracle of pregnancy, and how, even in this day and age, it brings people together.

In the past few weeks, I have had so many people asking me about my pregnancy, wishing me good luck, etc. Even strangers from around my neighbourhood and school mums that I pass on school days have stopped me to wish me good luck, and have mentioned how they've been watching me grow. An older lady at a cafe this morning wished me luck, as did an older man at the supermarket last week, and many many people who serve me in shops. It's just lovely to see how a baby can bring about so much interest and well-wishing. That's the way I've been choosing to look at it anyway.

40 weeks - happy due date to me

Well, not so much 'happy' due date, as 'annoyed and frustrated' due date.

Yes, today is my due date. Today I am 40 weeks pregnant with bubba # 3. I really had thought and hoped that I wouldn't get here. I had really hoped bubba would be here by now.

With my other two I had things planned for my due date, to keep myself busy. Plus I never expected anything to happen. With this bubba, I really thought she might have made an appearance, so I haven't planned anything... I kind of wish I had. I want to take it easy, but perhaps the little miss and I will go out for morning tea or something. I'm sure she wouldn't say no to a babycino! At least that's something. I don't really want to do anything else too much, or stray too far from home. Today is hubby's last day at work too, so it will be good to have him around to help from tomorrow.

I did have a lovely comment from a mum at school drop off this morning though. She told me my belly was 'phenomenal' and that I looked amazing, and said how much she missed her belly. It was really lovely to hear. I already know I am going to miss my belly... but that doesn't change the fact that I just want bubba to come now!

After having a few nights in a row where I really thought it might happen through the night, I have kind of given up on that idea. Last night I went to bed expecting it not to happen. Logically I know that it has to happen soon... it just will. But in my mind I have kind of given up on it happening. I'm thinking ahead to what I'll be doing tomorrow, maybe even the day after... I just hate that feeling of disappointment, so I've kind of blocked my mind off to thinking that it might happen any time soon. I may still be here next week, all pregnant. I may still be here the week after. Maybe I'm just destined to be pregnant forever. Maybe I gestate like an elephant. I am ready and willing when this bubba wants to come... but I can't go driving myself nutty waiting around either. I say that now... I'm sure I'll have another hissy fit about still being pregnant in a day or two.

Anyway, below is my 40 week, full bloom belly. I might spend a bit of time doing some timeline photos. It is definitely an impressive belly!

Waiting

Tomorrow is my due date. For some reason I have always had it in my head that I would have bubba before my due date this time. I don't know why I thought that, as both my kidlets were born after my due date... It was just something that had always stuck in my head. So many other mums I know have their babies before their due date - often in that last week. I thought maybe I could do that this time too, but it doesn't look like that's the way things are going to do. It's early morning, so technically I still have sixteen hours or so for things to happen... but it probably won't.

The little man had his heart set on the baby coming today. He keeps asking me if I'm having pains in my tummy, and do I think the baby will come today... I really wanted the baby to come today too.

I didn't think I was getting my hopes up so much, but I was. I've woken up this morning more disappointed than ever that bubba didn't decide to start coming through the night. It's so silly. I was getting lots of tightenings and pressure yesterday afternoon, and I think that really got my hopes up. But I had nothing over night, and nothing so far today.

I was really feeling ready to go.

I think I'm just annoyed at myself for getting my hopes up so much. And annoyed for the potentially many more days I have ahead of me with this same disappointment. Argh - I just hate this waiting at the end of pregnancy! I wish I hadn't had it in my head that it might happen early.

Tomorrow is my due date - and I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to keep myself busy and distracted, but I don't have anything planned. The little man is off to school, so it could just be a quiet day with the little miss. I have a feeling it is going to be a looong day though. Hubby starts holidays the following day. It will be nice to have him home and here to help. Hopefully he can help distract me too. Ugh. At the moment I just envisage days and days, weeks and weeks of this mindless, never-ending, waiting. I am going to go nuts.

I feel like I am as ready as I can be. I'm in a state of being ready, and not ready. Ready for things to just happen because I'm so sick of waiting and I want to meet this baby... but also completely unable to fathom that there is in fact a baby in my belly, who will be joining us soon. I can't picture it, but I think that's normal too. I just want things to start!  I'd quite like to go and throw a little 2 year old tantrum now actually. Argh!!!

I thought I was doing okay at staying positive. I was... when I really thought things might happen last night/today. Now I'm just cranky and sad and irrational about it. I want it to happen now.

I need to remember one of the birth affirmations I have - "I trust my baby will be born healthy and at the perfect time". I just wish that perfect time was today.

Limbo (39+4)

I am in that oh-so-annoying stage at the end of pregnancy. Limbo is a good word for it... I am just waiting now, and my feelings about it swing back and forth, back and forth many times every single day.

Every night I go to bed wondering if tonight could be it? Will I go to bed and wake up with contractions like I did with the little miss? Every morning I wake up just a bit disappointed that nothing happened... and that disappointment will only grow as the days continue.

I hadn't really expected anything to happen just yet anyway - my due date isn't for another three days anyway - but there is always that hope that you may be taken by surprise with an earlier baby. My hope hasn't all gone either. I kind of have it in my head that it might happen this weekend. I wouldn't say I have a strong, intuitive feeling - more that I always picture going into labour on a weekend when hubby is home... and if not this weekend, would that then mean next weekend? That's ages away! I am trying not to get too caught up on the idea of bubba coming this weekend, because I'll most likely be disappointed. Still, hubby has his guess for Saturday (tomorrow) and the little man has his guess for Sunday. I went into labour with the little miss very, very late (as in 11pm) at 40+1... so if I don't go this weekend, that will probably be the next date I will be secretly hoping for... After that, I am probably just going to be a mess. The idea of going over by heaps - a week or more, just depresses me so much! You know, I've waited this long already - and I've (mostly) been so patient - why should I have to wait any more! Oh, and the idea of seeing people and them asking when the baby is coming/due/why isn't the baby here yet, etc - said in fun or excitement of course, but hard to take when you're overdue. Not to mention those whisperings and doubts that start to creep in, and you begin to doubt whether this baby is ever actually going to come out! To be honest, I am having those already - which is ridiculous! I'm not even at my due date yet! But a pregnant woman and logic don't necessarily go together.

And then, while I think all of the above... to make matters even more confusing and crazy, I also have times when I am content. Excited that it could be happening soon, but also just happy to enjoy the end of my pregnancy. Sometimes I am even glad that it's not happening yet, because I feel like I'm not ready. I mean, I am ready, but it's kind of nice to live in the life that I'm used to for now too, you know? I still feel like there is so much I want to do. I want to spend more time just being with this baby in my belly, because despite always saying I wanted to, I have barely done it this pregnancy. I so struggle to be in the moment, I am always thinking about what I need to do next. I think that's part of why I have loved pregnancy yoga so much - it was time to just think about and connect with bubba. I always intended to do some similar meditation at home, but it never happened. So I still want to do that. I still feel like I need to get to a birthy mindset, but at the same time I don't want to get too obsessed with it, because whenever I start reading birth stories or watching birth videos, I just want to do it now!

And let's not even get started on how I simply cannot comprehend that I am going to have a brand new little baby! You would think by number three that I could get my head around it by now, but I can't! I can't wait to meet this bubba, but at the same time I cannot comprehend that there is a bubba in there.

And so my mind goes back and forth, back and forth, over and over every day.

I kind of feel like once I am in labour - early labour, that my mind will click and I'll be there, getting in the zone and feeling 110% ready. The waiting around, the wondering when... that drives me bonkers.

But soon, very soon... my precious bubba bump will be here, and all of this will be forgotten. Long forgotten.

I'm ready

Bubba bump has run out of room. The last few nights when I'm lying down trying to sleep, I can feel bubba pushing against my ribs. It doesn't feel nice, and between that and sore hips, sleep is becoming harder and harder to achieve.

My body is screaming at me to slow down. I have felt really good (physically) for the most part. I am really surprised at how good I have been feeling actually. Shouldn't I be feeling more tired and sore and heavy and awkward? I certainly have my moments, but for the most part I haven't really slowed down. Then yesterday afternoon I started feeling like I was maybe getting sick, and by tea time I was an absolute wreck. I ended up going to bed straight after tea and resting while hubby got the kidlets to bed. I didn't sleep properly until around my normal bed time, but at least I was resting. I feel better this morning, but last night was a bit of a wake up call that I need to be resting and slowing down. There is a whole other human inside my belly that needs looking after, and I need to look after myself so I am then able to birth safely and then look after him/her.
So... I have done all the things that I wanted to get done before bubba comes. My big grocery shop is done, everything is piled in the corner and ready for the birth. I finished the birth book I was reading. I am ready. Last night, I even ended up saying to bubba "Just let mummy have a rest, then you can come". My aim from now on, until bubba comes, is to rest and relax as much as possible. No more of this rushing around and visiting people, etc. I just need to hibernate at home, spend these last days being with the kidlets, and looking after myself.

I am now at the point where I go to bed every night wondering if tonight will be it. I don't think the little man realised how close bubba is to arriving until I told him that - I told him the other night when putting him to bed that bubba could come tonight, or in two weeks. He was so excited when he realised it could be so soon. Even hubby told me last night how excited the little man was - whenever we talk about it he starts bouncing and sticking his tongue out (which is a good indicator of excitement haha).

So, dear little bubba currently taking up residence in my belly - we're ready for you. We're ready to meet you and cuddle you and have you be a part of our little family. There is so much love for you already, and we can't wait to meet you.

39 weeks

I simply cannot explain with words how confused and in denial I feel to be 39 weeks. I'm going to freaking have a BABY in the next few days/weeks. Like, an actual, real, newborn baby that I grew! You would think having done this twice before, that I would be able to wrap my head around it, but if anything I am struggling with the whole idea more this time. I don't know if it is because I have been more distracted this pregnancy with the kidlets maybe - I have less time to think about it. Or maybe it's that for the most part I am still feeling pretty good, so it's hard to believe how close to the end I am. I had an especially busy weekend too, so that kept me extra distracted. I just can't believe how close I am. I could have a baby by this time next week!

Speaking of when bubba is going to join us... My entire family have dates picked, the first of which is this Friday. However, almost everyone thinks I'll go past 40 weeks. I know it is likely I will go over 40 weeks again, but for some reason it really bothers me that everyone thinks I will still be pregnant at 40 weeks (and for some, a week or more after). I don't know - it kind of takes away from the excitement of the possibility that it could happen any day, and makes me feel like maybe I'll just be pregnant forever. I think crazy pregnant lady has taken over my logic again. Of course I'm not going to be pregnant forever. At the very most, it would probably be three weeks, but most likely less. I don't think I'm even in a rush for it to happen anyway. I have a few things I still need to organise, as well as a book I want to finish. Hubby and I have been watching Friends, and we are halfway through season 9 - we could probably finish that before bubba comes haha! So, in some ways I don't want to bubba to come yet - I don't quite feel ready.

I had a really lovely, busy weekend. I went away overnight with my mum's group. In the past we have gone out to a shack at the beach, but as my due date was so close, we decided to stay a bit closer to home - so just stayed at one of the mums houses. She lives out in the bush though, so it still felt like a lovely escape. As it turned out, this getaway was also a surprise baby shower for me! Not with organised games and all that, but I received a few beautiful gifts, and one of the mums made a big rainbow cake for the occasion. We spent the whole weekend talking and eating and drinking (for those that could). We stayed up well past my bed time, and then I ended up waking early anyway - but it turned out okay, as I spent ages in the dark looking out the window to the twinkling lights of the city, and then watched the sunrise. It was so beautiful and peaceful - such nourishment for the soul. I never just stop and appreciate stuff like that anymore. It was lovely.

I didn't leave until after lunch the next day. I came home, and we went straight to my parents to see my aunt and uncle who are over visiting from England. Then hubby and I went out for tea and a movie that night. It was a full on weekend with no time to stop - which was a good distraction, but it also threw me out of feeling ready for the birth, etc. I'm still trying to get myself back into that headspace.

I am now just wanting to get all those last minute things done, and then just enjoy these last days/weeks of being pregnant. Enjoy this time before our lives change entirely!

And here I am at 39 weeks! I'm pretty sure bubba is pretty well out of room - the movements are very much just squirming now. I bet he/she is curled up into a pretty tight ball! My next midwife appointment isn't until Saturday, and of course I'm hoping not to make it...

Crazy pregnant woman

Wow, I have just been a crazy pregnant woman the past few days. I had a couple of days of being in an awful, awful foul mood. I'm really not used to being like that - I am generally a fairly positive person, but the past few days I was someone else. Negative, everyone and everything was annoying me... and put on top of this my obsessive negative worrying about bubba's position. I was just not in a good place. I wouldn't say I'm completely out of this mood yet, but I am definitely feeling better today.

I am trying to get past my worries about the baby being in a not ideal position... I am pretty sure bubba has gone posterior. I have been doing a bit of reading, etc about ways to get baby to spin... I've been obsessing. It's bad - it's just not healthy for me. I did find this on the spinning babies website though, which was nice to read:

We can’t panic just because the baby is posterior. Most posterior babies turn around, rotate, to the anterior during labor.

I need to remember this. Most posterior babies rotate to the anterior in labour. The little miss was partially posterior. There is plenty I can do in labour, and I assume the contractions help bubba to rotate as well. I am in such a silly place of worrying - and what good is it going to do? Absolutely nothing except make me feel bad and possibly pass some stress onto bubba.

I can't control this.

I need to calm down and just let things happen the way they happen.

I need to allow myself to get excited about this birth, and about finally meeting our bubba.

I'm allowed to be happy and enjoy this!

Now, I just need to drill this all into my head and start actually believing it. Honestly, I'm impossible. Someone slap me.

I am trying to get on with things and treat myself a bit. I had a pedicure this morning which was lovely - I wish it had gone longer. Tomorrow I'm booked in for a haircut, which I have been wanting for a long time. This weekend I am away with my mum's group which should be lovely and relaxing without the kids - one last relaxing, kid-free outing before bubba arrives. Then, early next week I am hoping hubby and I can go out for tea and see a movie - they may happen over a couple of evenings perhaps. I may even treat myself to something else next week - maybe a pregnancy massage, or a manicure. Something. I want to treat myself and try and relax and distract myself a bit. Who knows when bubba will come!?

I need to snap out of my crazy, negative mood too because I want to enjoy these last days/weeks with my two kidlets. I want to snuggle with them and just enjoy them, because it is going to all change so much once bubba is here. I have been so absorbed in my fears and doubts and everything else birth-related that I haven't been fully present with them, and I think they have picked that up, because they have been acting up more than usual. It could be that they would have been like that anyway (bored, school holidays, too much TV, etc), but my negative mood has not helped at all. I need to slow down, breathe, relax, and just be in the moment. Be with my kidlets: my gorgeous little man, my funny feisty little miss and my precious bubba that I can't wait to meet. Oh, and hubby too of course!

I am seeing Anna in about an hour, so I'm hoping she has remembered to bring the birth pool, and I'll hopefully get some of my thoughts/worries out.
And I have my support from afar. Some beautiful texts from some beautiful friends - whose support means more to me than they realise.

Update: So, Anna has come and gone. The birth pool and accessories are now in our house! We can now do a trial run with it sometime, make sure everything fits and is ready. I am so want to fill it up and have a bath of sorts in it too - it will be good to get a feel for the pool, and moving around in it, try out positions, etc.
It's getting close! It's getting real!

I was also able to have a quick chat with Anna about my worrying/obsessing about baby's position. She reassured me most babies will rotate, especially this being my third. All it means is that my labour might muck around in the beginning like it did with the little miss. We talked about coming up with some positive affirmations that I can write down and stick up near the birth pool... leaving the negative thoughts behind and replacing them with something positive.
As it is, when Anna checked for bubba's position, he/she was in LOA anyway... perfect position! I honestly thought bubba was posterior because I had been getting pokes close to the middle of my belly, but maybe it wasn't a foot like I thought, but the side of a leg or something. Anyway, it is reassuring to know bubba does in fact know how to get to a good position, even if he/she doesn't stay there. I'm not expecting bubba to stay there with so much fluid to swim around in, but it should mean that when labour starts, if bubba isn't there already, he/she should be able to get there... and hopefully things will be lovely and straightforward.

Maybe, just maybe, I might get the beautiful birth I had envisioned after all.

38 weeks 1 day

I didn't end up having time to blog or have my belly pic taken yesterday, so here we are one day late.

I have been feeling pretty good physically, for the most part. I've been quite energetic, my house is so tidy! I guess it's nesting - I have been so on top of my housework and washing for the past few weeks. I have managed to go for short walks (15-20 mins) three days in a row, and still managing to keep up in my pregnancy yoga class. I've been keeping myself busy in the body - I think partly because I don't want to get caught lounging back on the couch... I'm still thinking about bubba's position a lot.
However, today I am exhausted. Kids were up at 5.30am, hubby and I got up with them at 6am... this isn't unusual, but I am really struggling today. I have already had a couple of lie downs - with the intention of reading, but I keep drifting off.

So, I really need to listen to my body and take it easy today. Really, I need to be taking it easy most of the time... I need to be well rested and ready for when labour finally begins.

Mentally I am just all over the place. I have moments of feeling really positive, moments of absolute fear, moments of annoyance that it's not happening yet, moments of complete denial that it is all happening so soon. I managed to get to a place of feeling positive about the birth... about it all going well no matter what position the baby is in, about being in the right headspace... but it doesn't take much for that to all unravel and me start obsessing and worrying again.
I had a friend visit yesterday - one of the friends who had a traumatic birth - and I discovered that she is not the best company to keep as I approach this birth. Her intentions are all lovely, but she does my mental state no good. She spent so much time yesterday with her over-the-top "I really hope you get a good birth" said with concern and genuine worry in her voice. I don't need that - I need people telling me "You will have an amazing birth, you will do it, you will rock this birth" etc. I know there is no way to know that for sure, but it is that attitude and encouragement that I need. I remember when I was pregnant with the little miss, I must have been voicing one of my concerns with my midwife, and she simply said "You will do it". Those simple words were enough - suddenly I just believed that I would. And I did.
This friend of mine also got very concerned about baby's position, terrified for me to have a posterior labour. It was just so not what I needed when I already obsess about the baby's position enough as it is.
So, I think I need to avoid seeing her again until the baby comes... and hope that she doesn't realise. I don't want to offend her, but I know what I need at the moment, and her version of 'support' is not it.

To be honest, I keep anticipating that over the next week or two, I am kind of going to want to withdraw from friends, and everyone, anyway. I feel like I'll need to be alone to feel my feelings and get myself in the right head space, and I think that will be easier if I can be alone (well alone with the kidlets) as much as possible.

I have a few things going on this week, and this weekend I'm away with my mum's group, but after that I kind of just want to keep to myself. I have had it in my head that I want to be ready for this baby by 39 weeks - just in case bubba decides to come a little early. There's a few things I still want to do... obviously there is getting the birth pool here and getting my birth space set up, then there is the mum's group getaway, and I want to have my haircut, and I'd like hubby and I to go out on a dinner and movie date... you know, last one in awhile! Maybe a pedicure too, cause I actually had one at the end of my other two pregnancies.
And I hope to get to a place of feeling ready... because I don't think I'm there yet.

I am feeling pretty emotional today, maybe because I'm so tired. Or maybe because I'm 38 weeks pregnant. Either way, I anticipate some tears today - and probably for no apparent reason. Isn't pregnancy fun!?

Oh, and here is my belly pic. My big 38 week belly!

Just a hint of excitement

Last night I was lying in bed reading the water birth book that I have been trying to finish. The last chapter is all birth stories of women who had had water births either in hospital or at home. The stories weren't very long... but after reading them for awhile, I suddenly found myself actually getting excited about going into labour! For a moment I left all the worry about baby position, how I will cope in labour, etc behind, and was just able to feel excitement at the prospect of going into labour and taking that journey to meeting this tiny bubba growing inside me. It was such a wonderful feeling. I think I started remembering when I first went into labour with the little miss - it was all so new, but I was content in many ways because it was finally time to meet my baby.

I have been so caught up with thinking and preparing myself for the birth, stressing/obsessing about getting this baby into the best position, etc, I haven't allowed myself any time just to sit back and enjoy this. I am in the last weeks of my probably last pregnancy, the last weeks of being a family of four, and the last weeks before I get to meet my new baby. I am going to absolutely kick myself if I don't take time to be in the moment and enjoy this.

So, that's what I aim to start doing more and more. Just breath, and be in the moment from time to time.

Random ramblings

I don't really know what I want to write about... all I now is that I have too much running through my head and I need to get some of it out.

I had an appointment with Anna on Tuesday, and everything was fine. My BP is staying steady, bubba is happy and healthy in there. She did mention again that I have a lot of fluid. Anna doesn't seem concerned, and I'm pretty sure I had the same with the little miss. Bubba also isn't in an ideal position, but with all the fluid seems to be able to move around pretty freely still. At my check up, bubba was on the right, half way between anterior and posterior. And ever since I have been obsessing over bubba's position and being hyper-aware of how I'm sitting, lying, etc, and doing pelvic tilts to try and encourage bubba to the left... but honestly, it doesn't feel like it is doing anything. Bubba is still all over the place, but always seems to settle back to the right. I am sick of thinking and worrying about it - especially when there probably isn't a great deal more I can do anyway. I just need to remind myself that the little miss wasn't in an ideal position either - she was slightly posterior, and she just took her time to wriggle around into the best position, and then I went on the birth her just fine.

I'm definitely in that place between trying to do everything I can for a good birth, but at the same time needing to surrender, because ultimately it is all out of my control anyway.

It's the same with when the baby comes. I know that this bubba most likely won't come before the due date, and almost definitely not any more than a week early... but I still have that secret hope that I'll be surprised with an early bubba. I think Anna kind of burst my little bubble of hope of that happening (not in mean way, just in a realistic way), as she kept mentioning she didn't expect me to go until very close to or after my due date. The same with my family - they've all started putting in their guesses of when they think bubba will arrive... the little man has guessed one day before my EDD, but everyone else is guessing after. Which I guess was bumming me out a bit, but it is more realistic. I think I need to get it into my head not to expect (secretly or not) for bubba to come until then. Bubba will come when he/she is ready, not before... and that is the way it should be. Bubba knows when he/she is ready, and I need to trust that, accept that, and move on.

I have been trying to finish the water birth book I have been reading. I am finding it hard to fit in reading. I have been coming across some really good quotes and jotting them down along the way. One of my favourites is:

"You can't 'do' labour - you can only follow the urges of your body, let go and let it happen".

I am feeling okay(ish) about labour. Trying to remind myself that it is going to be hard work, etc - and not having a romantic idea of how it will be. But the pushing stage... I just can't picture it, and that is the part I am most worried about something going wrong. That seems to be where everything goes pear-shaped for other people. Anna also mentioned at my appointment that they've had a lot of hospital transfers this year, mostly first time mums. She said it was something like 4 out of the 16 births she's attended this year - so 25%. Most got to fully dilated, then needed transferring - most just had a forceps or ventouse delivery though, so at least not caesareans. I just feel like I am hearing more stories about transfers and home birth/natural births going wrong than right. It makes it hard to stay positive that the same thing won't happen to me. But again... I need to get to that level of acceptance. What will be will be. What will happen will happen. I can only do so much, this bubba growing inside of me will decide the rest.
I am doing everything I believe I can to give this bubba the best start. By going through Anna I am allowing this bubba to decide when he/she is ready to arrive, and am giving this bubba the best opportunity to be born into a calm, loving environment, without drugs and out the way nature intended... but if things don't go that way, at least I have given it my best shot.

Anyway, that is just some of the many thoughts running through my head these days. Now that I've written them down, hopefully I can get on with my day and begin to let it all go.

37 weeks - full term baby!

As of today I am considered full term and bubba bump can feel free to arrive any time. Having said that, I do not anticipate anything happening for another 2-3 weeks yet... or more. I would love to go a little early this time, but seeing as my other two kidlets were both born over 40 weeks, it seems unlikely.

I have had a kind of difficult week. I am starting to feel like I am really not coping. The kidlets are on school holidays now, and the little miss has decided that now would be a fantastic time to turn into a devil-child. She has gone backwards with toilet training - it's like she's gotten bored and isn't even trying anymore. She is having these random meltdowns that go on and on and on where she can't be consoled and nothing seems to work to distract her out of it. She seems to be having one a day, and I just don't know what to do with her. Both kidlets want things from me all the time - even when hubby is home they call out to me first, and often even refuse to let hubby's help, etc anyway. All of this I am usually fine coping with... But at the moment I am not. I am heavily pregnant and finding that i really want to withdraw into myself, but this is impossible with the kidlets. I have managed to catch some kind of bug/cold (desperately hoping it is not the awful flu that is going around), so I am not 100% anyway. I've lost count of the number of times I've randomly started crying over the past few days. For the first time yesterday I actually found myself thinking "I just want this baby out and this pregnancy over and done with"... So yeah, definitely must be getting to the over it stage. I lost it at the little miss last night over something so small and unimportant - I scared her and myself. I am just not coping - and I still have two weeks of school holidays left - home alone with the kidlets every day. I'm dreading it to be honest, and I hate that because I should be using it as our special last few weeks as just a a family of four before everything changes. I want them to feel loved and special and prepared as best they can be for the big changes about to take place. I need to snap out of this sad and sorry for myself mindset!

We are almost all ready for bubba's arrival now. The bassinet is set up, I had heaps of white bonds wonder suits given to me - so bubba actually has a decent amount of clothes now. Hubby spent quite a few hours yesterday trying to squeeze all three seats into the back of our car. They do fit, just, but we are having trouble accessing the buckle for the little man's belt. We're still trying to come up with a solution for that.
Apart from that, it's just being ready and set up for the actual birth, which won't be happening until my midwife drops off the birth pool. I'm seeing her tomorrow for an appointment, so I'm kind of hoping it might be ready for her to bring with her then. I want to have it set up soon so I can feel organised. Finished. Ready for bubba bump to arrive. I have it in my head that everything has to be completely ready and organised by the time I am 39 weeks.

Speaking of the birth, I had a dream last night that I went into labour. I was struggling, but I did get to fully dilated and my waters broke... but then nothing happened. I never felt the urge to push or feel the baby move down or anything. I'm wondering if this is a fear I have? I hadn't thought about it like that before now, but it does make sense. Whenever I think of the birth, I can only ever visualise myself labouring... The pushing side of things I just can't seem to conjure up. I will mention it to Anna tomorrow I think. I don't feel ready for the birth at all right now. I feel too weak and fragile.

Anyway, I am very much hoping for a more positive week. Hopefully I can get over this cold and get out of my funk. I don't want to feel like this - it's not fun for anyone.

I haven't had my photo for this week taken yet - I'll add it when I get hubby to take it.