18 weeks

Another week gone in a flash. It's scary how fast this is going. I really am feeling a bit disconnected from the pregnancy. I don't feel particularly pregnant, even though I'm starting to look it!

Taken at 17 weeks 3 days

Still, I don't want to go this whole pregnancy in a daze of disbelief. I want to be able to find some time, every now and then, to be in the moment and appreciate what is happening here. I find it hard to do at home with the kids around. I'm always go, go, go and thinking about what needs to be done next. And then, by evening when the kids are in bed, I'm that tired that all I want to do is crash and watch mindless television. As it is, I've been heading to bed around 9-9.30pm these days anyway.

So, finding time to be in the moment doesn't happen very often. I am hoping that pregnancy yoga helps... from what I have heard from my friend who also did it, it has a lot of meditation to do with connecting to and bonding with your baby, so it should be good. Now that we have money again after a very tight month last month, I have finally signed up for pregnancy yoga (I think it's actually called Sacred Birth yoga). The class is every Sunday afternoon at 4pm and goes for an hour and a half. I went to my first class yesterday, and it was really lovely. Lots of gentle stretching and breathing, a lovely lie down at the end haha! The usual teacher didn't take it, as she was sick, so there wasn't as much visualisation and guided meditation as I was hoping for, but maybe next week.

I have had a few more potential movements felt this week, but again, nothing I can be sure of and nothing very strong or consistent. Movements can't be too far off though. I can't wait!

I am slowly (very slowly) attempting to reclaim my healthier lifestyle. I was very slack last week with exercise - I only went walking once. I have now actually booked in at the gym to have a program done up though - so I go in on Tuesday evening for that. And yoga will be helpful. And I aim to go walking more often. I think I'll aim for every second day.
The eating side of things I struggle with a bit more... I know I should be eating better, but I guess I have an underlying feeling of having a 'free pass' in pregnancy. I mean, I haven't been going silly eating  junk all the time, but I haven't been eating that healthily either. I did the grocery shopping last night, and I had to laugh... there was fruit and veg, greek style yogurt, chia pods (basically chia pudding), raw food bars... and then there were also pringles, ice creams and chocolate. Even my grocery shop reflects how torn I am! I know what I need to do and be eating... but I also have all these things I want to be eating! Anyway, at least I'm trying... and I feel like I will get there.

And... in other exciting news, my scan is all booked in! It's in a week! I will be 19 weeks at the time of the scan. It's not till the afternoon, so it's going to be a long day! I might have to make sure I have something planned, so I don't spend the whole day waiting for it. I am still undecided about finding out the gender. I need to just make a decision and stick with it! Anyway, hubby and I have a week to decide.

Lastly, my belly photo for the week:

17 weeks

And another week has come and gone. This past week is a bit of a blur to be honest. The little man started school, then it was his birthday, then he was sick, then he had a little party and hubby's mum came to visit... and here we are again at Monday. I haven't thought a great deal about the pregnancy this past week I suppose. I mean, it never leaves your mind entirely - but it certainly wasn't my focus.

I had my booking in phone appointment last Tuesday, and that was fairly uneventful. I also had my first meeting with my midwife, which was awesome! We sat and talked for ages. She is happy for me to have a homebirth if I wish - yay! She had a check of my blood pressure (it was okay, a little higher than it should be maybe, but nothing to worry about), and a feel of my tummy. She said the top of my uterus was exactly where it should be, and then she tried to listen for bubba's heartbeat, but no luck. She didn't seem worried - she said at 16 weeks it is very hit and miss anyway. She's not worried, so I'm trying not to be worried. I don't see her again for another 5-6 weeks. In the meantime, I need to organise my scan (I would have done before now, but funds have been tight).

I may have possibly, maybe felt bubba move a few times now. It's nothing very strong or consistent yet, so it's really hard for me to say for sure. A few times it has been while sitting on the couch - off to my right side, just a little fluttery sensation. Then at the airport on Saturday when we were seeing my sister off, I felt something much stronger, down low in the centre. That one I feel a bit more sure of - that was almost like a kick. I didn't feel flutters with my other two, and didn't feel movements much till around 20 weeks, so I haven't been expecting to feel anything yet anyway. I am very much looking forward to stronger, consistent movements. Those movements are always so reassuring and lovely. My favourite part of pregnancy, as I'm sure it is for most women.

The healthy pregnancy thing hasn't been much in focus this week either. I don't think I even managed a walk, other than walking the little man to school and back three days a week. There has also been a lot of cake consumed, and magnums (half price at the moment - bit hard to go past!). I need to pull my finger out... I'm being slack and eating is all over the place.

And here is my belly pic for the week, which I'm not particularly fond of I have to admit. I wish my belly would round out properly. I hate the lumps in my bump.

Feeling a little bit down today to be honest. The little man isn't coping with school today. He was sick last week and we have had a really busy week - I think he is just very tired and fragile. He went to school this morning, but then I got a call at 10.30am to come pick him up. But then I got him home and he doesn't seem particularly sick. Plus, he told me that he wasn't sick, he just wanted me. He's been a bit teary... I just don't know what to do. I can't keep him home tomorrow if he's not sick. We've had a chat about it, and I'm making him rest. Hopefully tomorrow is better for him. It's such a big adjustment.

Then the little miss has gone a bit backwards with her weaning... I think being sick did it. Stupid sickness. She was coping so well and barely asking. Now she is asking a lot and is just not accepting that she can't have it and is incredibly hard to distract. She whines/half cries for 'booby' all the time, and it's just getting me down. I don't want to feed her, but I feel like maybe she wasn't ready after all and I should be letting her have it. Not that there is anything left, but she obviously wants it for some comfort. I think I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed and feeling like I can't seem to do the right thing for anyone. Anyway, there's my little vent over.

16 weeks

This past week went so quickly - I was so preoccupied with getting the little man ready for school and the little miss weaning, and now here I am at 16 weeks!

This has been an odd week. I have had really good days where I was full of energy. I did heaps of housework on those days (it's so nice to have a clean house after months of it being pretty dismal). Then I had a couple of days of feeling completely flat with no energy, and even a spew or two thrown in for good measure. Luckily, by the weekend I was feeling good again. Feeling good, but not particularly pregnant. I don't have morning sickness anymore, I'm not feeling movements, and I still feel like my belly doesn't look that pregnant. In fact, after my exhausted, flat days this week I even felt like it had shrunk. I am really hanging out for feeling movements... hopefully not too much longer. Although I think I have an anterior placenta, so it may not be until 20+ weeks.

I have also been so preoccupied with the little man starting school and feeling flat, etc, that I haven't had anymore time trying to connect with bubba bump. It really is true what they say about pregnancy going fast when you have more kids. I can even forget that I'm pregnant at times.

The healthy pregnancy thing is going... okay? I have walked a couple of times this past week, but my flat days did throw me off. I intended to go to the gym one night, but I chickened out. The healthy eating is... well, it's not terrible, but I am eating a lot more chocolate than is necessary! I need to cut that back. As it happens, I may have to anyway, as I'm finding it is giving me a bit of mild heartburn. I am still trying to get vegies into me more and more (lots of salad sandwiches and meals with lots of vegies). I think I need more meat too. Hubby made a hamburger over the weekend, and it really hit the spot when I had a taste! On that same note, I should really go and get myself some iron supplements, because I am most likely low (I was on the low end of normal at the start of the pregnancy).

The little man is all dressed and ready for school, and in about 40 minutes we'll leave to walk him to school. Being as this is a big day for the little man, he has made an appearance in my belly photo for this week:

I have a few good pregnancy-related things coming up this week. Well, they're both tomorrow actually. I have my booking in appointment with the hospital (a phone appointment) at 10am tomorrow morning. Then at 11.30am (and this is what I am most excited about), my gorgeous midwife is coming to my house for my first appointment for this pregnancy! I am so looking forward to seeing her again! And to hearing bubba's heartbeat. I think it will make everything feel a bit more real.

I have a busy week ahead... Before I know it I'll be 17 weeks!

My baby boy starts school tomorrow

This isn't pregnancy related, but seeing as this is where I'm doing all my writing at the moment - this is where I'm writing this.

Tomorrow is a big day. The little man, my first baby, starts school tomorrow. It has been on my mind all weekend, and I really need to write about it and get all these thoughts that have been racing through my head out .

The little man starting school feels like a massive life change. It is. Up until now he has only ever been at home with me, no day care or babysitters. Just him and me, and in more recent years, the little miss as well. I guess we have gotten to a point where we are all pretty adjusted to our lives as they are, and have just been cruising by. Life is cruisy you could say. And now we have this thing happening - this big change, and I think it is really going to rattle us all a bit to be honest. It's really going to take some adjusting to... Emotionally, routine-wise, and in life overall.

I feel so odd sending my baby boy off into the world, and I'm not going to be there to see him. He is going to have all these new wonderful (and some not-so-wonderful) experiences, and all I get is to hear about them second-hand, if I'm lucky. After being his person in life for these past almost five years, it seems odd to suddenly not be there for every little moment. It feels too soon! But would it ever feel like the right moment? The right time?
Have I prepared him well enough for this? Have I done an okay job raising him so far? I keep thinking of things I think he should know but had never thought of before now. I keep imagining scenarios and wondering how he would react. Have I done enough? Will people understand him no appreciate him for the awesome little man that he is?

I am going to miss him so much. The little miss is really going to miss him. They are such good playmates, and they love each other so much... I think the little miss is going to feel very lost. I am looking forward to our one-on-one time together before the baby comes though.

I feel terrified, but excited for him. I feel sad, but happy he is looking forward to going. I feel proud, and a bit in shock that we have gotten to this stage of him growing up already! Where has the time gone? I feel like I'm losing him a bit, even though that is ridiculous. It is all part of the process of starting to let go,  of him growing up. I don't think I'll ever be ready. To me, he will always, always be my beautiful baby boy.

I had a big, messy cry about it last night... and again early this morning. I almost never cry like that. I think it helped though. It helped get those intense emotions out of my system, and today I have felt more excited than anything. The fact that the little man himself was just about bouncing off the walls in excitement probably helped. I had a nice chat with him before he went to sleep tonight about starting school tomorrow. He is genuinely excited and looking forward to going. He says he is most looking forward to singing with the teacher and class. And when I talked about leaving him there, he seemed even more excited! This is all so helpful to me. It is such s relief having him so happy and excited, and not nervous or scared. Fingers crossed no unexpected anxieties pop up tomorrow.

This is it... I'm about to go to bed. And when I wake tomorrow, I have a school boy to organise. This feels like such a massive milestone. I have arranged to meet up with a friend whose little boy also starts school tomorrow after school drop off, so that will be really good. We can talk through it together and cry if needed, and just be a friendly ear and distraction.

Right. Bed. Sleep... If  I can.

I think she has weaned...

It has been three and a half days since the little miss has last had a feed. And that last feed was a 10-20 second comfort feed after her scooter fell on her head and she had a massive bump. If I go by that as her last feed... she weaned at 2 years, 9 months and 3 days. I think I'm pretty happy with that.

I haven't really mentioned my breastfeeding the little miss here before, but it is pregnancy related in a way. Well, the weaning part if pregnancy related.

The little miss was two and half when I fell pregnant, and still feeding like a newborn. I mean, she was obsessed. Anyone who had spent any amount of time with us knew how much she loved her booby, and she was very demanding about it. I was getting pretty over it to be honest, so when I found out I was pregnant I thought "Yes! Maybe she'll wean now". When I was pregnant with the little miss, I was still feeding the little man (he was only 18 months when I fell pregnant), and after I fell pregnant he slowly started weaning all on his own. I didn't even have to do anything - he seemed ready, he stopped asking for and wanting the feeds. He was about 21.5 months when he weaned. I think my milk gradually dried up or changed or something, and he just stopped wanting it. I had wanted to make it to two years with him, so I was a little sad he had weaned - but at the same time I was ready. I had awful breastfeeding aversion and was curling my toes through feeds by the end.

So, this time - I thought (and hoped) the same thing might happen with the little miss. I hoped she would gradually start to wean on her own, because I didn't like the idea of pushing weaning on her. However, then with the awful morning sickness I experienced, feeding her became something I just didn't want to do. I still did if she desperately wanted it, but I started trying to direct her to other things first. I'd ask if she wanted something to eat, a drink of water, etc. Sometimes she'd say yes, other times she was adamant she had to have booby. This went on for awhile, and gradually I realised I had unintentionally day weaned her. I hadn't set out to stop feeding her in the day, I just realised it had been awhile one day, and then decided to leave it at that and keep her day weaned. At this point she was still feeding to sleep every night, feeding many times overnight, and usually having another feed first thing in the morning as she woke up.

Then we had a heatwave here, and she slept through the night three nights in a row! This had never happened before, but it made me think - okay, she can obviously get through the night without a feed... how about I have a go at night weaning her. Night weaning was a lot harder than day weaning. She would wake crying and asking for booby, and I'd offer her water and remind her she could have booby when it was morning time. Those first few nights she took a while to settle, and it was just a matter of comforting her through her crying. I felt awful of course, but by then breastfeeding aversion had kicked in... feeding her felt so awful that it was enough incentive to keep me from caving and feeding her. She never got hysterical, just crying, almost half in her sleep. Eventually she would stop all of a sudden and be instantly asleep again. She slept through the night here and there, but most nights she would still wake once. Gradually she became easier to settle, and now for the most part she can be settled with a quick backrub or cuddle.

I guess it was about 2-3 weeks ago that I night weaned her, and since then she had been having a feed before bed to fall asleep, and sometimes another one first thing in the morning. I was barely tolerating feeding her though. I can't really describe how it felt... It doesn't hurt, it just feels 'yucky' and 'wrong' and makes me squirm and want to shove her off me. It's truly awful. I had it with the little man too, but I used shields with him, so I guess the feeling was slightly dulled. This time it was just the whole full blown awful feeling. She was aware I didn't like it anymore, and I guess she gradually started wanting to feed for shorter amounts of time as a result. She had always fed to sleep, so when that stopped working, she would still have a quick feed, but I started rubbing her back and humming 'Let It Go' from the movie Frozen. Soon she was only having a 30 second feed at night before requesting I rub her back and 'sing Frozen'. She wasn't asking for a feed first thing in the morning much anymore either, so I stopped that one. Then we had three nights in a row this last week where she went to bed without a feed. The first time she fell asleep on the couch while hubby was reading books. The second time was that day I was feeling really sick - she let hubby take her to bed (first time ever!) and he rubbed her back and she fell asleep fairly quickly. The following night I just mentioned not having booby before bed and rubbing her back instead, and she was okay with it and fell asleep fine. Then last night - the big shock - I took her to bed, read her a book, then went to turn the light off expecting to have to rub her back, but she was all cuddled in bed looking ready to go to sleep, so I asked her if she wanted a goodnight kiss and then mummy will leave, and she said yes. I gave her a kiss, left the room, and didn't hear from her again until 6am!

She hasn't self-weaned like I would have liked - but as I mentioned, feeding her felt so awful. Pregnancy does weird things to me when it comes to breastfeeding, and I just could not stand the feeling of her feeding anymore. That awful feeling was incentive enough to slowly, and I hope gently, wean her... enough to persevere through the occasional night time crying/asking for booby.

I wish we had had a nicer end to our breastfeeding relationship. I don't think it has been traumatic for her in anyway, but she does still ask for it. It definitely wasn't her idea to wean, but she is coping amazingly and asking less and less as the days/weeks go on.

I wish that breastfeeding didn't feel so awful for me through pregnancy, but I guess it is my body's way of telling me it isn't coping with growing a baby and feeding a toddler? It certainly seems to be an inbuilt reason to wean.

Hopefully in time the memories of how awful it felt at the end will fade, and I can just remember those beautiful feeding moments we have had in the past.

For now I am happy about her weaning. I was so ready - even before I fell pregnant I was ready. I'll be glad to have a little break from feeding before it all starts again when bubba bump comes along... And being our last, who knows how long I will feed him/her for!

Random sickness

I spent all yesterday doing nothing. I was exhausted from the moment I woke up, and all I could manage was the bare essentials... you know, getting kids food, changing nappies and putting on new movies for the kids. I spent the whole day sitting and lying on the couch or bed. I had had two really busy days previously where I had spent all day cleaning and just generally keeping busy. I guess it was too much? I forget that I still need to take it somewhat easy I guess.

Anyway, after spending all day just feeling tired and exhausted beyond belief, hubby got home and prepared tea... we were having mini hot dogs (mini franks in dinner rolls). An easy, quick dinner for hubby to prepare. We all sat down to eat and it was fine, and then we all had an icy pole for dessert... then suddenly I started feeling dizzy. Not all the time, but if I moved my head a certain way. The dizziness was occasionally paired with nausea, so I decided to go lie down in bed. I found if I lay on my left side I felt okay, but once I moved I started feeling dizzy and sick again. Anyway, I lay there for a fair while, then I got up to go to the toilet. Once I was in the bathroom washing my hands I felt a familiar feeling... and then, spew. Yup. big chunks of hot dog in the bathroom basin. Disgusting. I cleaned myself and the basin up, had a quick drink, then went back to bed. Hubby was getting the kids ready for bed at this point, reading them books, etc. Then when the time came to take them to bed, I just didn't feel up to it - so hubby took them both to bed, which he has never done before. The little miss actually agreed to him taking her to bed, and she even fell asleep for him fairly quickly!

After the kids were in bed, hubby came in and I asked him to get me some water. I drank it, and he left. I rolled over to go to sleep... then realised I needed to get up again... quickly, to spew again. At least it was just water this time. I felt a bit better after the second spew, but still a bit off and a bit dizzy. I went to bed, hoping to sleep it off.

I have woken this morning feeling a bit better, but definitely still not 100%. I don't know what's going on... I thought morning sickness had passed. Maybe it was the hot dogs - maybe they really didn't agree with me, or the baby. Maybe the baby is having some massive growth spurt and my body is struggling.

Anyway, I am over it. It has reminded me how awful I felt for so long earlier in the pregnancy, and I don't like it.

15 weeks

It hasn't been very long since I've done an update, so this will probably be shorter than usual.

Not much to report. I am continuing to feel well, though I did have a fairly tired day yesterday. It made me wonder if bubba bump is having a growth spurt or something? It has taken me awhile to wake up this morning too, which is unusual for me - I usually spring out of bed wide awake and ready to tackle the day.

Also, interestingly, I have found myself getting really pissed off at hubby. He had a week off, and I guess I just really notice how little he does to help around the house when he's here all the time. I mentioned it a few times in passing, but nothing changed. Even when he does do something, he doesn't finish it! He started unloading the dishwasher when I was out one morning because I asked him too - he got halfway through it and then just left the rest. Same with folding washing. He started folding the washing, which is great... but then he leaves half of it unfolded! Little things that usually wouldn't bug me are really getting to me. And I feel like I can't have a serious discussion with him about it, cause whenever I try he goes into shutdown mode. Frustrating! And makes me worry about how things will be when bubba bump arrives. The thing is, then my pissed off mood passes and I no longer feel the need to bring it up. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones, or if it really is just having hubby home for a longer period than normal.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was really wanting to focus on consciously connecting and bonding with bubba bump. I finally did, yesterday. I was having a lie down and I put my hand on my belly and just 'talked' to bubba bump in my head (no, I wasn't prattling on to myself out loud haha). I thought it would be difficult coming up with what to say, but once I started it all came out easily and naturally. It was really nice, and something I need to do more.

Lastly, here is my belly pic. Well, pics... the first one is back from 5 weeks... and today is 15 weeks! Lots of growing has been done in that time - I feel like I look huge already! I'm still not a fan of my early bump shape, but nothing I can do about that. I'll be happy when it rounds out a bit more.

16 weeks next week, which means I can contact my midwife! I'm pretty excited about that!