This isn't pregnancy related, but seeing as this is where I'm doing all my writing at the moment - this is where I'm writing this.
Tomorrow is a big day. The little man, my first baby, starts school tomorrow. It has been on my mind all weekend, and I really need to write about it and get all these thoughts that have been racing through my head out .
The little man starting school feels like a massive life change. It is. Up until now he has only ever been at home with me, no day care or babysitters. Just him and me, and in more recent years, the little miss as well. I guess we have gotten to a point where we are all pretty adjusted to our lives as they are, and have just been cruising by. Life is cruisy you could say. And now we have this thing happening - this big change, and I think it is really going to rattle us all a bit to be honest. It's really going to take some adjusting to... Emotionally, routine-wise, and in life overall.
I feel so odd sending my baby boy off into the world, and I'm not going to be there to see him. He is going to have all these new wonderful (and some not-so-wonderful) experiences, and all I get is to hear about them second-hand, if I'm lucky. After being his person in life for these past almost five years, it seems odd to suddenly not be there for every little moment. It feels too soon! But would it ever feel like the right moment? The right time?
Have I prepared him well enough for this? Have I done an okay job raising him so far? I keep thinking of things I think he should know but had never thought of before now. I keep imagining scenarios and wondering how he would react. Have I done enough? Will people understand him no appreciate him for the awesome little man that he is?
I am going to miss him so much. The little miss is really going to miss him. They are such good playmates, and they love each other so much... I think the little miss is going to feel very lost. I am looking forward to our one-on-one time together before the baby comes though.
I feel terrified, but excited for him. I feel sad, but happy he is looking forward to going. I feel proud, and a bit in shock that we have gotten to this stage of him growing up already! Where has the time gone? I feel like I'm losing him a bit, even though that is ridiculous. It is all part of the process of starting to let go, of him growing up. I don't think I'll ever be ready. To me, he will always, always be my beautiful baby boy.
I had a big, messy cry about it last night... and again early this morning. I almost never cry like that. I think it helped though. It helped get those intense emotions out of my system, and today I have felt more excited than anything. The fact that the little man himself was just about bouncing off the walls in excitement probably helped. I had a nice chat with him before he went to sleep tonight about starting school tomorrow. He is genuinely excited and looking forward to going. He says he is most looking forward to singing with the teacher and class. And when I talked about leaving him there, he seemed even more excited! This is all so helpful to me. It is such s relief having him so happy and excited, and not nervous or scared. Fingers crossed no unexpected anxieties pop up tomorrow.
This is it... I'm about to go to bed. And when I wake tomorrow, I have a school boy to organise. This feels like such a massive milestone. I have arranged to meet up with a friend whose little boy also starts school tomorrow after school drop off, so that will be really good. We can talk through it together and cry if needed, and just be a friendly ear and distraction.
Right. Bed. Sleep... If I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment