I haven't really mentioned my breastfeeding the little miss here before, but it is pregnancy related in a way. Well, the weaning part if pregnancy related.
The little miss was two and half when I fell pregnant, and still feeding like a newborn. I mean, she was obsessed. Anyone who had spent any amount of time with us knew how much she loved her booby, and she was very demanding about it. I was getting pretty over it to be honest, so when I found out I was pregnant I thought "Yes! Maybe she'll wean now". When I was pregnant with the little miss, I was still feeding the little man (he was only 18 months when I fell pregnant), and after I fell pregnant he slowly started weaning all on his own. I didn't even have to do anything - he seemed ready, he stopped asking for and wanting the feeds. He was about 21.5 months when he weaned. I think my milk gradually dried up or changed or something, and he just stopped wanting it. I had wanted to make it to two years with him, so I was a little sad he had weaned - but at the same time I was ready. I had awful breastfeeding aversion and was curling my toes through feeds by the end.
So, this time - I thought (and hoped) the same thing might happen with the little miss. I hoped she would gradually start to wean on her own, because I didn't like the idea of pushing weaning on her. However, then with the awful morning sickness I experienced, feeding her became something I just didn't want to do. I still did if she desperately wanted it, but I started trying to direct her to other things first. I'd ask if she wanted something to eat, a drink of water, etc. Sometimes she'd say yes, other times she was adamant she had to have booby. This went on for awhile, and gradually I realised I had unintentionally day weaned her. I hadn't set out to stop feeding her in the day, I just realised it had been awhile one day, and then decided to leave it at that and keep her day weaned. At this point she was still feeding to sleep every night, feeding many times overnight, and usually having another feed first thing in the morning as she woke up.
Then we had a heatwave here, and she slept through the night three nights in a row! This had never happened before, but it made me think - okay, she can obviously get through the night without a feed... how about I have a go at night weaning her. Night weaning was a lot harder than day weaning. She would wake crying and asking for booby, and I'd offer her water and remind her she could have booby when it was morning time. Those first few nights she took a while to settle, and it was just a matter of comforting her through her crying. I felt awful of course, but by then breastfeeding aversion had kicked in... feeding her felt so awful that it was enough incentive to keep me from caving and feeding her. She never got hysterical, just crying, almost half in her sleep. Eventually she would stop all of a sudden and be instantly asleep again. She slept through the night here and there, but most nights she would still wake once. Gradually she became easier to settle, and now for the most part she can be settled with a quick backrub or cuddle.
I guess it was about 2-3 weeks ago that I night weaned her, and since then she had been having a feed before bed to fall asleep, and sometimes another one first thing in the morning. I was barely tolerating feeding her though. I can't really describe how it felt... It doesn't hurt, it just feels 'yucky' and 'wrong' and makes me squirm and want to shove her off me. It's truly awful. I had it with the little man too, but I used shields with him, so I guess the feeling was slightly dulled. This time it was just the whole full blown awful feeling. She was aware I didn't like it anymore, and I guess she gradually started wanting to feed for shorter amounts of time as a result. She had always fed to sleep, so when that stopped working, she would still have a quick feed, but I started rubbing her back and humming 'Let It Go' from the movie Frozen. Soon she was only having a 30 second feed at night before requesting I rub her back and 'sing Frozen'. She wasn't asking for a feed first thing in the morning much anymore either, so I stopped that one. Then we had three nights in a row this last week where she went to bed without a feed. The first time she fell asleep on the couch while hubby was reading books. The second time was that day I was feeling really sick - she let hubby take her to bed (first time ever!) and he rubbed her back and she fell asleep fairly quickly. The following night I just mentioned not having booby before bed and rubbing her back instead, and she was okay with it and fell asleep fine. Then last night - the big shock - I took her to bed, read her a book, then went to turn the light off expecting to have to rub her back, but she was all cuddled in bed looking ready to go to sleep, so I asked her if she wanted a goodnight kiss and then mummy will leave, and she said yes. I gave her a kiss, left the room, and didn't hear from her again until 6am!
She hasn't self-weaned like I would have liked - but as I mentioned, feeding her felt so awful. Pregnancy does weird things to me when it comes to breastfeeding, and I just could not stand the feeling of her feeding anymore. That awful feeling was incentive enough to slowly, and I hope gently, wean her... enough to persevere through the occasional night time crying/asking for booby.
I wish we had had a nicer end to our breastfeeding relationship. I don't think it has been traumatic for her in anyway, but she does still ask for it. It definitely wasn't her idea to wean, but she is coping amazingly and asking less and less as the days/weeks go on.
I wish that breastfeeding didn't feel so awful for me through pregnancy, but I guess it is my body's way of telling me it isn't coping with growing a baby and feeding a toddler? It certainly seems to be an inbuilt reason to wean.
Hopefully in time the memories of how awful it felt at the end will fade, and I can just remember those beautiful feeding moments we have had in the past.
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For now I am happy about her weaning. I was so ready - even before I fell pregnant I was ready. I'll be glad to have a little break from feeding before it all starts again when bubba bump comes along... And being our last, who knows how long I will feed him/her for!
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