Random ramblings

I don't really know what I want to write about... all I now is that I have too much running through my head and I need to get some of it out.

I had an appointment with Anna on Tuesday, and everything was fine. My BP is staying steady, bubba is happy and healthy in there. She did mention again that I have a lot of fluid. Anna doesn't seem concerned, and I'm pretty sure I had the same with the little miss. Bubba also isn't in an ideal position, but with all the fluid seems to be able to move around pretty freely still. At my check up, bubba was on the right, half way between anterior and posterior. And ever since I have been obsessing over bubba's position and being hyper-aware of how I'm sitting, lying, etc, and doing pelvic tilts to try and encourage bubba to the left... but honestly, it doesn't feel like it is doing anything. Bubba is still all over the place, but always seems to settle back to the right. I am sick of thinking and worrying about it - especially when there probably isn't a great deal more I can do anyway. I just need to remind myself that the little miss wasn't in an ideal position either - she was slightly posterior, and she just took her time to wriggle around into the best position, and then I went on the birth her just fine.

I'm definitely in that place between trying to do everything I can for a good birth, but at the same time needing to surrender, because ultimately it is all out of my control anyway.

It's the same with when the baby comes. I know that this bubba most likely won't come before the due date, and almost definitely not any more than a week early... but I still have that secret hope that I'll be surprised with an early bubba. I think Anna kind of burst my little bubble of hope of that happening (not in mean way, just in a realistic way), as she kept mentioning she didn't expect me to go until very close to or after my due date. The same with my family - they've all started putting in their guesses of when they think bubba will arrive... the little man has guessed one day before my EDD, but everyone else is guessing after. Which I guess was bumming me out a bit, but it is more realistic. I think I need to get it into my head not to expect (secretly or not) for bubba to come until then. Bubba will come when he/she is ready, not before... and that is the way it should be. Bubba knows when he/she is ready, and I need to trust that, accept that, and move on.

I have been trying to finish the water birth book I have been reading. I am finding it hard to fit in reading. I have been coming across some really good quotes and jotting them down along the way. One of my favourites is:

"You can't 'do' labour - you can only follow the urges of your body, let go and let it happen".

I am feeling okay(ish) about labour. Trying to remind myself that it is going to be hard work, etc - and not having a romantic idea of how it will be. But the pushing stage... I just can't picture it, and that is the part I am most worried about something going wrong. That seems to be where everything goes pear-shaped for other people. Anna also mentioned at my appointment that they've had a lot of hospital transfers this year, mostly first time mums. She said it was something like 4 out of the 16 births she's attended this year - so 25%. Most got to fully dilated, then needed transferring - most just had a forceps or ventouse delivery though, so at least not caesareans. I just feel like I am hearing more stories about transfers and home birth/natural births going wrong than right. It makes it hard to stay positive that the same thing won't happen to me. But again... I need to get to that level of acceptance. What will be will be. What will happen will happen. I can only do so much, this bubba growing inside of me will decide the rest.
I am doing everything I believe I can to give this bubba the best start. By going through Anna I am allowing this bubba to decide when he/she is ready to arrive, and am giving this bubba the best opportunity to be born into a calm, loving environment, without drugs and out the way nature intended... but if things don't go that way, at least I have given it my best shot.

Anyway, that is just some of the many thoughts running through my head these days. Now that I've written them down, hopefully I can get on with my day and begin to let it all go.