Every night I go to bed wondering if tonight could be it? Will I go to bed and wake up with contractions like I did with the little miss? Every morning I wake up just a bit disappointed that nothing happened... and that disappointment will only grow as the days continue.
I hadn't really expected anything to happen just yet anyway - my due date isn't for another three days anyway - but there is always that hope that you may be taken by surprise with an earlier baby. My hope hasn't all gone either. I kind of have it in my head that it might happen this weekend. I wouldn't say I have a strong, intuitive feeling - more that I always picture going into labour on a weekend when hubby is home... and if not this weekend, would that then mean next weekend? That's ages away! I am trying not to get too caught up on the idea of bubba coming this weekend, because I'll most likely be disappointed. Still, hubby has his guess for Saturday (tomorrow) and the little man has his guess for Sunday. I went into labour with the little miss very, very late (as in 11pm) at 40+1... so if I don't go this weekend, that will probably be the next date I will be secretly hoping for... After that, I am probably just going to be a mess. The idea of going over by heaps - a week or more, just depresses me so much! You know, I've waited this long already - and I've (mostly) been so patient - why should I have to wait any more! Oh, and the idea of seeing people and them asking when the baby is coming/due/why isn't the baby here yet, etc - said in fun or excitement of course, but hard to take when you're overdue. Not to mention those whisperings and doubts that start to creep in, and you begin to doubt whether this baby is ever actually going to come out! To be honest, I am having those already - which is ridiculous! I'm not even at my due date yet! But a pregnant woman and logic don't necessarily go together.
And then, while I think all of the above... to make matters even more confusing and crazy, I also have times when I am content. Excited that it could be happening soon, but also just happy to enjoy the end of my pregnancy. Sometimes I am even glad that it's not happening yet, because I feel like I'm not ready. I mean, I am ready, but it's kind of nice to live in the life that I'm used to for now too, you know? I still feel like there is so much I want to do. I want to spend more time just being with this baby in my belly, because despite always saying I wanted to, I have barely done it this pregnancy. I so struggle to be in the moment, I am always thinking about what I need to do next. I think that's part of why I have loved pregnancy yoga so much - it was time to just think about and connect with bubba. I always intended to do some similar meditation at home, but it never happened. So I still want to do that. I still feel like I need to get to a birthy mindset, but at the same time I don't want to get too obsessed with it, because whenever I start reading birth stories or watching birth videos, I just want to do it now!
And let's not even get started on how I simply cannot comprehend that I am going to have a brand new little baby! You would think by number three that I could get my head around it by now, but I can't! I can't wait to meet this bubba, but at the same time I cannot comprehend that there is a bubba in there.
And so my mind goes back and forth, back and forth, over and over every day.
I kind of feel like once I am in labour - early labour, that my mind will click and I'll be there, getting in the zone and feeling 110% ready. The waiting around, the wondering when... that drives me bonkers.
But soon, very soon... my precious bubba bump will be here, and all of this will be forgotten. Long forgotten.
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